Hi. As promised I thought I would take the opportunity before I head out for a Sunday morning run to catch up with you all. I’ve been thinking this morning about a family project to create a scrapbook about my dad’s life and my own writing project about my life and how martial arts helped me turn it around. That’s going to be called The Last of the Good Guys.

“The last of the good guys” is what my drama teacher at school called me with a smile in my last lesson just before my GCSEs. I think I got a C in drama and did a lot better in English and English Literature as well as other subjects. My dad was an English teacher. He had a Masters degree and he was a writer and stage actor. Some things carry over through the generations. People tell me I look just like him.

The book I intend to finish writing (and I’ve written a lot but not for some time so it needs revisiting from the beginning) tells the story of my life from the point I left school and ended up heading into the criminal justice system and got made an example of. It tells the story of how a twenty-something who was a shadow of himself walked into a Muay Thai gym one day and never looked back. It’s something when finished I hope inspires and uplifts.

I want it to be a story of hope because Muay Thai helped me change. I didn’t just prove myself wrong I proved the police wrong. I made those changes for me and that’s something to be celebrated.

If like myself you are someone who has been around a few corners in their life you’ll understand that we all make mistakes, but you should know it’s what we do next that counts the most. I often say when I speak publically about the police and criminal justice system that the law is not meant to punish you forever.

The mere existence of the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act 1974 shows that the state claims to understand and acknowledge that people grow and change. Of course, what is said in writing is rarely put into practice by those who abuse their power and frequently target and harass their “problems” as if being in a position of law enforcement gives them justification alone.

My mum said something to me recently that I know my beautiful father would say if he was still with us. She said what the police put on me through abuse of stop and search powers nearly every day in my youth and racially profiling me was never about me it was always about them and that I am better than them. It was always about them.

Sitting here, writing this I can already feel the tears beginning but I’m currently navigating a lot of trauma created by that organisation’s abuse of data protection. A civil action has been underway to put things right since last year. I hope, if all goes well at least for this part of my journey it’s closure for now all I know is that I’m not the same guy I was before. Every day I’m stronger and never walk alone.

I’ve mentioned more than once in this blog how beneficial martial arts have been in navigating and recovering from trauma from my past and of late. That trauma surfaced last year in a diagnosis of PTSD, anxiety and depression. Muay Thai is helping me reclaim my power and understand my relationship with it. It’s helping me reclaim a part of me I thought was lost forever and in my return to a new me sometimes the resilience that emerges reminds me of how tall people said I walked when I first started training.

My book The Last of the Good Guys explains how I used to be bullied in my youth. In fact, at one point trouble seemed to find me no matter where I went. “He wouldn’t hurt a fly” some of my girlfriends and best friends would say in defence of me and in opposition to those who would be quick to label me a “bloody criminal”.

I’ve been through it more often than not coming out the worse for wear. I discovered to my surprise and I assume to those who would choose to bully me disdain that when I started training my abusers regardless of how many there were in number would often choose to cross the street.

As I often say to friends when I tell them about this part of my journey it is quite simply the aura you project that can be enough sometimes. Bullies and racists are cowards. Walking tall terrifies them. It’s why these days they often carry a knife and clearly lack positive outlets in their lives.

I found that when the bullies left me alone on the street, the bullies who used to stop and search me so frequently they knew my first name left me alone too. I spent close to ten years being stopped and searched by Hampshire Police. What they said about me was justification for their abuse of power just as with Avon and Somerset Police. In my volunteer role as a public speaker and caseworker I often encounter people just like me and so when I say I see you I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

There is a field beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing where you and I are free and safe from judgement and racial profiling and where people see us for our character alone and never the colour of our skin or past mistakes. I’ve learned that I am more than these things and my experiences have taught me how to help others.

They taught me how to walk tall just like Muay Thai taught me how to stand up and fight. Some days I’m not at my best but at times like now I can only hear my father’s strong voice echoing through my own. I think on that note I’m off for my Sunday run. Have a good week, train hard and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.

Yes, I’m back y’all. As the god Rakim would say it’s been a long time. Well to be honest it’s been around a month since we caught up last and as always it’s good to find the time to sit down and write. It’s been a great week of training so far and I’m already looking forward to tomorrow night’s session. I’m training around five or six times a week which isn’t too shabby.

Of course, with a bit of roadwork thrown in for good measure and currently being a sensible booze-free boy I look forward to dropping a little bit of weight and getting sharper and faster over the coming weeks. I made a conscious decision as of Sunday night to have a five-week alcohol break as not only does alcohol knock my fitness but it also affects my well-being and mental health too. It isn’t an emotional crutch and because of what I’ve gone through with the police’s abuse of power and my data protection rights and of course, losing my dad I’ve found at points it can act like one.

Alcohol numbs pain but there are other ways to navigate the tough days other than therapy and nights out on the town. Muay Thai and exercise I am pleased to say is one of them. I’ve started setting myself new goals in training and have even begun to practice switching my guard to an orthodox stance rather than my usual southpaw. I’m starting to practice guard switching in sparring and my trainer this evening told me it is improving and is working. It’s good to have new areas to focus on and right now, I’m just enjoying the journey.

It is fair to say that over the past twelve to eighteen months I’ve learned more about myself than I ever thought I would and what’s impressing me the most is the resilience that grows stronger every day. Muay Thai is a martial art that builds character and brings out the very best in you. As an old trainer once said a good background in Thai will see you go a long way. Whether that applies to life or in the ring either way it’s true.

Choosing to stand my ground and knowing when to fight and when not to is something that Muay Thai has taught me. It’s shown me how to walk tall and do the right thing like my dad did. Most importantly it’s shown me how rewarding it is to help others and to grow from that experience. It’s a confidence and self-esteem builder and has helped me reclaim and understand my relationship with power. This is very important as I have learned that PTSD can make me feel powerless.

I’ve learned when I’m confronting injustice, challenging misconduct and fighting for my rights or for other’s rights I am strong and confident, just as when managing projects in my Professional life however I also become vulnerable and I hope over the next couple of months the vulnerable me becomes just as strong as the fighter in and out of the ring. It’s a work in progress but tonight on my generic Sainsbury’s stop off on the way home from the gym it was good to say to myself “Answers are not in a bottle of red wine son” and mean it. In case you hadn’t realised already it’s been a tough day. I’m pleased I trained.

I’m heading to the new me every day and little by little. I keep telling myself that but being honest there is so much work to be done. Sitting down with myself is liberating and terrifying but it’s clearly vital. I hope that through training just like the Dog Brothers I find “higher consciousness through harder contact “and move with good judgement and skill. Have a great week train hard and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.

Hi. It’s nearly been a month since I sat down last to write and I think it’s something this year that I really need to get back to. It’s a natural bias of mine that I’ve inherited from my dad. When I was in Spain last Christmas me and mum sat down and went through a lot of the short stories he wrote and wanted to get published. This year we intend to find a publisher to make it happen.

Speaking of Spain I’m pleased to be heading out to see my mum next week for a well-deserved short break. It’ll only be for the weekend but I’m hoping it’s going to be a lot warmer than the UK at present! I’ve kind of hit a point where I feel a need to recharge and recalibrate slightly and besides it’s always good spending time with family.

I’ve been enjoying training of late and despite having recently run into the inevitable peaks and troughs moment most of us if not all of us experience when we train or compete in anything I know myself well enough as a martial artist to know that despite it all I just keep going and although what I do may not always be perfect little improvements often go a lot further than I think.

Just this week we all had to show our head coach our left and right body kicks on pads and as the inevitable “my go” moment emerged I worried as I often do that I was going to make myself look bad in front of a very busy class. Ok, my right kick needs a bit of work but on the second attempt I twisted my hips more and hey my left kick has always been strong and is absolutely getting there. It was nice to receive a bit of acknowledgment for getting the fundamentals of kicking right. I’ve been training for a long time so if I wasn’t there might have been a problem.

This week we’ve spent a lot of time working on our basics and it’s something I’ve really enjoyed doing, Sparring hasn’t been too bad either and yesterday it was good to spar with another fighter who has been training for 13 years or so. She started when she was seven she told me afterwards. I could tell as soon as she returned low kicks at the speed she did as well as the standard of her technique that she was an experienced Thai boxer. It’s nice when that happens. I’ve been training for 17 years as of this month. I’ve probably mentioned that before but hey it’s a vocation.

These days I train roughly around five or six times a week, and although you can argue the case that volume doesn’t account for much if you’re not improving it’s good to see that I most certainly am and remain inspired by the fact that the more I invest in myself the more it gives back to me.

I may not be perfect but I can still hold my own and when it comes down to it I know what I am doing. I’m currently working on staying in the pocket or fighting inside as being short, it’s always a challenge dealing with people taller than me. Staying inside their kicking range means I’m dangerous as I have good hands and low kicks, although after all these years I still occasionally wear my guard around my ankles. Face block only gets you so far in life.

I’m spending time outside of classes focusing on basics as present on the bags as I want to improve my fundamentals however I’m noticing my combinations flow well and sometimes I surprise myself with how easy I find it to put it together. The speed is there when I want it to be and I’m working on improving my kicking guard. As always there’s a lot to work on and it’s good fun.

Muay Thai is currently helping me take my power back and is a good release when I’ve had a tough day or week. It’s nice to feel welcome and valued in a training environment and to know that after seventeen years of doing this, I’ll be boxing when I’m sixty. Day by day I’m getting stronger and heading toward a new me with the same values and principles as before. I may not be the same guy walking out of the storm who walked into the storm, but I think that really this is what the storm has been about. Have a good week, train hard, and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.

Hi. It’s good to catch up with you once again I have to admit it’s been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you. I hope you had a fantastic Christmas and New Year’s Eve and now whilst 2024 is still in its infancy I thought it would be a good idea to reflect on days gone by.

If 2023 taught me one thing about training it is that I’m just as tenacious and committed as I always have been. This February will see me having trained in Muay Thai for 17 years and although at points it doesn’t come easy there’s a lot of knowledge here and a lot of experience. I never thought I would train in martial arts for 17 minutes let alone 17 years. Go me. I’ve spent the past eight years or so of my Muay Thai journey training at Combat Warriors in Bristol. You can visit us here.

2023 also taught me a lot about myself and last year I finally learned how to sit down with the vulnerable me who has had an incredibly traumatic past few years of his life. From the loss of my father to major data protection breaches created by the police to nervous breakdowns and finally once again taking the fight to the police by way of an ongoing civil action it’s fair to say that I’ve been through a lot.

After being diagnosed by an expert psychologist with PTSD, anxiety, and depression I had to take a step back. Learning that the trauma from issues with the police suppressed the grief of losing my dad nearly stopped me in my tracks but just like before I got back on my feet and realised that although fights for justice are important nothing can ever replace the importance of the death of a loved one, especially a parent.

I’m still coming to terms with the fact that it’s easier to fight for my rights and direct righteous anger at power abusers than to sit down with the part of me that is hurting so if I have one New Year’s resolution it is quite simply to never leave myself behind again. Training is helping me head back to a new me day by day. If Muay Thai reminds me of one thing it’s my self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence in knowing that despite everything I should never be afraid of the dark.

At my weakest points, I wonder sometimes how what has happened to me has happened to a guy like me. A guy like me who does his utmost to be there for others one day forgot to be there for himself but never refused to stand up no matter what life threw at him. In the end, living like that can take its toll. There is more to me than fights for my rights just like there is more to me than a mental health condition.

I have said to a few close friends of late that it feels that I am rebuilding myself ground up and because I am, I have to take good care of myself. At the end of 2023, I realized that my life had nearly fallen to pieces around me but the one constant during the past traumatic few years has been Muay Thai. You come to realise in time that not only do martial arts help build and develop character they can sometimes help heal trauma too and help pain become easier to understand and navigate. At least that’s how it is for me anyway. I’ve found Thai boxing compliments the psychotherapy I have once a week as does running.

I’ve begun 2024 feeling strong and feeling positive about the year ahead. I am determined from February onwards to really begin working on my business again (I run a small IT company for those who don’t know) and I’m pleased to still volunteer with Bristol Copwatch so look forward to lots of public speaking and workshops in the upcoming year.

Most importantly I’m really looking forward to continuing to work on myself and heal. Legal battles are all in hand and out of my hands. It’s down to the solicitors now to ensure I see justice. This allows me to put down a load I have carried for the past five years. Once the police here are held to account there’s BTP to go. Then there’s West Yorkshire Police and then I realise I cannot live my life in constant confrontation because if I do then I forget what life is.

Muay Thai helps me remember that for every yang there has to be a yin. Every fight does come to an end in and out of the ring and I look forward to my past which is still my present becoming a memory and a roadmap I use to help others that have felt alone against a state organisation that must always be held to account for their misconduct and abuse of power.

If 2024 will be one thing alone I believe that it will be closure for me. I’m stronger day by day and this year I intend to embark on a special family mission to remember my father. I’m hoping my mum can come with me but if not I understand. Both of us are shell-shocked from loss and I can only hope that grief finally arrives in its entirety not in waves of pain but in beautiful memories and a reconnection with my South African roots and heritage.

For now, I think that’s just about all he wrote, and as time as always is slipping away from me I think a bit of bag work and sparring is the best thing I could possibly finish Saturday afternoon off with after publishing this blog so in the meantime, train hard and just like the time before… I’ll see you on that road.