Category Archives: Muay Thai

Winning

Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. It’s nice to catch up with you once again and I hope you’ve been keeping well just like myself. I thought I would take the time to sit down and write this blog of mine before I head out for the evening. Training of late has always been regular and fairly intensive although this week I’m training a little lighter than usual as I am heading to Spain on Sunday to see my mum which is always a good thing.

I wanted to spend some time throughout the weekend to do some writing to remember my truly amazing dad and everything he did not just for me but for others too, however as always with these things I have moments when despite wanting to say so much I find that the paper stays blank and at points, I really don’t think I can say it better.

Dad like myself was a community activist but in South Africa challenging the apartheid system and white supremacy and it’s because of his legacy and my family’s upright and upstanding attitude towards challenging racism and injustice wherever it raises its head that I’m the man I am today. In fact both my mum and dad gave me a strong moral compass and a good set of principles at an early age.

I think you learn some of these things through martial arts training but with myself, it’s really helped me walk taller than I did before and reinforced that part of me that has always believed in helping others. If you’ve followed me on Twitter or know of the work I do to help my community you’ll know that the police have tried and failed to make my life hell simply for doing the right thing. Sometimes I wonder what my dad would say if he was here right now but really I know just like the rest of my family and my Mum, he would say to keep fighting it will inevitably come right in the end. Like me, he had to challenge the police and he won.

If there was one thing I know he would say to me right now it would be to remember to get on with my life and to look after myself. I’m sure he would also be very pleased to know that after seventeen years I’m still training in Muay Thai and will be for a long time. As I always say I’ll be training when I’m sixty.

I’ve wondered recently if I would ever consider doing anything remotely competitive with the sport again and despite being a forty-something I’m pretty confident I could hold my own. Maybe Mike Tyson has rubbed off on me (Ha ) but I’m also happy to accept that I’ve achieved a lot and have spent a good few years doing something I never thought I would. Right now I’m training to improve and that’s why it’s a little frustrating to spend this week and next with more time out of the gym than I’d like. Ok, there is the sun and beaches but maybe Muay Thai is still importanter.

My dad was a sportsman playing cricket in South Africa and again in the UK. He played for Cambridge and I remember him taking me to play cricket in my youth. I had potential. Left-handed bowler and I was a right-handed batsman. I lost interest after a time like kids often do with hobbies and I think he was a little disappointed. He was pleased to know I started Muay Thai in 2007 but like my mum was generally surprised when I started fighting in my early thirties. Everyone thought I was younger and a twenty-something. Although I lost my first fight everyone said I won.

Moments like that showed me who I really am when it counts the most. Walking up to the ring for the first time and climbing the steps and over the ropes was my Rocky moment. After my fight my friend grinned at me. “it’s good innit?” she said. “Yeah.” I beamed. At that point actually getting in the ring had been enough for me. Although I’ve only had 19 fights I’ve enjoyed the journey and most importantly the company. Never say never. Thanks, Mike.

I remember winning my amateur WRSA Muay Thai area title and how proud my parents were. “Never ever give up!” I yelled down the microphone after the ref put the belt on and everyone told me I was a different fighter that day. My dad was in this incredibly proud and utterly bemused place, his little boy was a Thai boxing champion. Mum has a photo of me in our house in Spain with my old trainer and one of the pro fighters for my old gym at the time standing next to me. My parents even had it framed. Now that’s something to be proud of.

I’m looking forward to getting a bit of Muay Thai in my life tomorrow afternoon before heading out to Spain on Sunday and I’m making sure I get a good couple of runs in too. Training brings me a lot of joy. it rebuilds and gives me strength when I feel low and most importantly it shows me I can walk taller than I ever thought I would. Although the rest of Friday night is ahead I’m pleased I’ve taken the time to catch up and will no doubt write some more before the end of the week. As always I have a lot to say and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Have a good weekend, train hard and just like the last time. I’ll see you on that road.

Filling the silence that you leave.

Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. It´s nice to catch up with you all once again and I hope all is well in your world, whatever your doing and wherever you are. I´m currently in Spain at my mum´s place writing this blog in warm but breezy weather. It´s 22 degrees here not bad for late November eh. And they say climate change is not real.

Training this week has consisted of a bit of roadwork and I´ll be back at the gym from Tuesday onwards. I´m training 5 or 6 times a week again and my current goal is to improve my kicking guard. Over time I´d developed a bad habit of from time to time letting my hand connect with my leg as it swung as I kicked. Not only does this reduce the power of the kick but can mess the kick up all together.

Where I have spent a lot of time working on speed and power of late when on the bags I failed to notice the recurring bad habit until it was pointed out to me in sparring and by my trainers watching me on the bags. Thankfully I´m getting it put right. It´s going to take time and dedication but when it comes to putting things right I have plenty of that.

A favourite photo of mine from 2012. My arm is in mid swing but you might see how it can go horribly wrong here. I threw that kick in survival mode and it hurt him. Not all bad I guess.

The 21st of November would of been my dad´s birthday. To me and my mum it always will be and it is rapidly approaching the two year anniversary of his death. Mum and me decided earlier this year to make a scrapbook celebrating my beautiful and amazing father´s life and we have also since decided to get some of the short stories he wrote years ago about his life in South Africa published if we can.

My dad went through so much and at the end of it all never hated anyone. Living under a brutal white supremacist system like the apartheid regime you can understand why it would of been possible for him to feel bitter. He was angry and campaigned as a political exile for justice and freedom from tyranny for South Africa. My mum and dad taught me to stand up for what was right. Dad´s journeys with the police and state have been the same in some respects as my own and like dad was I have also been traumatized by what has happened to me.

Like my beautiful father however I kept fighting and keep resisting police oppression. There was more to my dad than the everyday struggle us people of colour go through just like there is more to me than Muay Thai, public speaking and campaigning. I´m keen to learn more about my families roots in South Africa and hope to visit for the second time in 2024. Sometime ago I wrote this article for Mixed Race Faces about me and my journey as a mixed race black guy. Now at nearly 45 do I finally get what my dad went through in his life because of the colour of his skin. I´m fiercely proud of my heritage and love my mum´s side of the family equally.

There is a silence that arrives when a parent leaves that is a void that takes time to fill. I often wish I could speak to my dad about what I have been through and still going through but I know that everything I do celebrates his life. I look in the mirror and I see him looking back at me. I speak at an event, I deliver a workshop or I speak at a march and I hear his strong voice. December the 2nd will never be the same again and after that day in 2021 life changed however, day by day its becoming beautiful again. Despite it all. Most tragically grieving is something I seem to be doing very naturally.

I´m already looking forward to hitting the gym next week, it does me the world of good and I can never stop saying thanks for being in the right environment that brings out the best in me surrounded by good people who care about my well being. My mum is 82 tomorrow. What an amazing age to reach! we´re heading to the local port for a nice lunch with her friends we´re also doing a little more work on the scrapbook about my dad. Owen Pegram. The lion of South Africa. I think he´d like that. Despite it all. In the meantime. here´s to the sun and just like the last time… I´ll see you on that road.

What storms are about

Activism, Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development

“Once the storm is over you won´t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won´t ever be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won´t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm is all about”

Haruki Murakami, “Kafka On The Shore”

Hi. It’s nice to catch up with you all once again and although blogging at present may not happen as frequently as I’d like it’s good as always to find the time to write, despite having a tumultuous month with mental health I’m pleased to say as we approach the end of October I’m feeling a step closer back to myself than before.

I guess it’s really because of certain situations in my life that have had no clear end in sight drawing closer to a conclusion that I feel that I’ve received some closure. Amongst everything that I’ve had to navigate since a nervous breakdown in July of this year, I’ve had to deal with housing issues too, thankfully now righting themselves.

If PTSD has taught me one thing it’s that I need to look after myself and put myself first. Training this week has consisted of a lot of martial arts self-care and it’s good to have trained six times instead of my generic five. As I’ve mentioned several times before everyone in my gym is awesome and it’s nice to get the occasional check-in from trainers and other students and fighters.

Although training is a superb tool for working with fight or flight and building my self-confidence and self-esteem once again if I step into the training space not in the best of places after training I have to deal with the inevitable emotional crash that comes. Exhaustion and fatigue are very real things so I’ve chosen a second outlet to help navigate that bit. I’ve started collecting comics again.

If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen me sharing photos of the new Image Comics series of The Transformers. I bought issue 1 and even have a variant cover. I do not intend to become “that guy” but I’ll be honest my younger John is happy and so’s the 40-something Thai boxing nerd that sits in the driving seat these days.

Training however is something that I’m very happy to invest more and more of my time into. Today I made a very wise decision to have an alcohol break. It was in danger of becoming a coping mechanism, and as my therapist will no doubt say to me next week it was in danger of becoming such because alcohol numbs pain.

On Tuesday this week, I sat down with a 16-year-old boy who was racially profiled and stopped and searched regularly. To a point, it was almost every day. He hadn’t broken any laws and certainly at that point wasn’t “known” to the police (it’s unlawful for police to target you based on previous criminal history, it’s unlawful but as I often say when speaking publicly about their organisation it’s unlawful but they do it anyway.) but he became their victim because his skin wasn’t white.

Sitting down with him (me) at points brought tears to my eyes. Ken Hinds calls the experience of black youth and youth of colour who are subjected to abuse of stop and search powers being stopped and scarred. I’m inclined to agree. Being brave enough to acknowledge that part of me, my younger John as I call him remembers once asking a policeman what description he fitted and being told “he’s mixed race” ( a very broad “catch-all” term undermining my South African heritage spectacularly ) and then not remembering the search but the anger at the police that came from his father “It’s because he’s black!” was very important for me.

It showed me that I ran into institutional racism at a young age but instead of dealing with what happened, I put it away where it couldn’t hurt me. in the end, I was caught in a cycle and dragged backward through the criminal justice system.

Although through Muay Thai and other positive outlets in my life I’ve learned how to navigate some of the recent damage done to me I’ve also remembered that I am much more than what has happened to me. This month my mum said something I think my dad would say if he was still here. What the police put on me in my youth and more recently is them and has never been me. It is as I have learned in time how they operate.

She said I’m better than them and you know something I wish I had known that all those years ago. I remember how finding martial arts felt like I was proving them wrong, that I was showing them people can change. Years later I know the police don’t care. Taking my power back by taking it away from the organisation I gave it to has been the smartest move I’ve made all year.

Training, running, and therapy are helping me heal and although there is a lot of work to be done I’m very pleased that at the end of this week, I can see that my future is bright again and I can choose future purpose, over current pain. On Tuesday I couldn’t see a future at all. All it took was one thing to be said to me. “what happens when PTSD is cured?” for me not to want to be “that guy with the problems” but that guy who came back stronger to realise that despite it all, everything changes. Storms end and I’m not just a survivor but a winner.

Muay Thai however does wonders for self-confidence and self-esteem but then again so does public speaking. Next month (8.11.23 to be precise ) I’m very pleased to be on a speakers panel with the awesome StopWatch in my capacity as a public speaker and community activist with Bristol Copwatch. It’s a University of Bristol Criminal Justice Society event “Power, policy and policing” and you can find out more here. Although the storm may not be over I’m proud of myself for taking my power back and of course for never ever giving up fighting for my rights. Have a good week train hard and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.

Gentle Lions

Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Morning all, it’s nice to catch up once again and today I wanted to take the time and sit down and write before heading into the rest of Wednesday! I hope things are good in your world and like myself, you’ve been training hard and enjoying it too. Between you and me, it’s doing me the world of good in fact these days on average I train five or six times a week which is of course always a good thing.

If Muay Thai is the yang that helps me manage and work with fight or flight created by PTSD when it emerges then writing is absolutely the Yin that helps me navigate the crash that comes after. It’s also something that gives a nice balance to a high-intensity workout and if things feel bleak then writing absolutely helps put them right. Well, Muay Thai does the same but I hope you know what I mean.

I’ve read several articles on the subject of martial arts helping us navigate trauma and improve mental health and if it seems like something I keep going back to it’s because it’s my lived experience, and although it’s not a magic bullet training is doing me the world of good. Stepping into my gym last night I felt anxious and alert but told everyone I was fine. What was refreshing for me last week, however, was to be told by one of the longer-term students and fighters that it’s to say I’m not okay sometimes and that the gym is somewhere where I should feel safe.

What was really important to me is that he went on to say combat sports and martial arts gyms can seem very macho but here (as in my camp) I should not be afraid to show vulnerability. Of course, I was speaking to someone who has been through what I’m navigating at present and it’s good to know that my gym is full of many “humans of fighting.” Then again it’s not the only gym I’ve trained at with good people.

Day by day I’m remembering how to not carry myself but how to take the positive energy Muay Thai gives me and apply it to the rest of my life. There are points in our life where we run into hardship and difficulty and it’s at these points we learn the most about ourselves as people. I was told recently that although what has happened to me is terrible and those responsible should be accountable I’m just as accountable for how I respond or more appropriately react to whatever I encounter that triggers me in my day-to-day life.

Just recently my fighter stepped in when it seemed a situation could escalate and I could feel a hyper-vigilant PTSD episode beginning. It seemed that someone older and wiser stepped forward and said very gently “Look again. There is no threat.” seeing as I was in a supermarket it was a moment of clarity and I thanked myself for not only being there for me but for defusing something that would have come from nothing. But that’s me. Gentle as a lamb, fierce as a lion.

Things happen to us in our lives that create incredible amounts of trauma. I’m someone who historically has suppressed how I feel inside because I don’t want it to hurt me or those I care about the most. These days I sit down with myself regularly, I have a psychotherapist who is teaching me how to travel light. I’m eternally grateful for her help but I’m just as grateful for the good people I have in my life beyond this in fact I don’t think I’ll ever stop saying thanks.

I wanted to share a superb article I read yesterday focusing on some of the issues I’ve faced in my life called “Healing, resistance, and justice in the ends” It really put things into perspective for me and reminded me how important it is that all of us are there for each other. Some days, like today I feel vulnerable. A guy like me some would say feeling vulnerable? he can’t be serious! but you see I am, and that part of me I take to Muay Thai training and say “Let me show you something, young man No one will ever hurt you again.” and do you know what? I think that’s the triple truth because here I am thriving in spite of it all.

If writing is one thing, it’s therapeutic. Sparring is this evening and in the meantime, I’ve got the rest of Wednesday to take the cleaners. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this week’s blog and I hope it’s helped. I’ll do my best to write a lot more frequently. Have a great week train hard and just like the last time.. I’ll see you on that road.

Family

Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. it’s good to catch up once again. It’s good as always to find the time to sit down and write this blog of mine and I intend to start blogging weekly again. Little by little I’m getting myself back on track and I think really that’s the most important thing. Today there were several people from my gym fighting at a local and very prestigious show in Bristol Noble Combat Championship. From looking at our WhatsApp group chat right now it seems we did well as usual. That’s to be expected.

It’s great to see that Revolution Phuket (I knew them as Sitsongpeenong when I trained there way back when) backs the show as well as other great organisations involved with combat sports, there’s a lot of talent at my camp and I can see several of the fighters going places in the next few years. When it comes to myself and fighting my attitude is that if I keep training hard, keep focused, and approach everything with the right attitude anything is possible.

It’s inspiring to train with people who push each other to be their very best. It’s good to have moved from feeling like I was going through the motions back to seeing little leaps of progress here and there. It’s good to see this and it motivates me to keep training and to take as much away from each session as I can.

Martial arts although not a magic fix are good to help navigate trauma and improve overall wellbeing and mental health. It meant the world to me recently to have a fighter walk up to me and ask me how I am and that he hoped things work out for the best for me. I’ve been very transparent with my coaches and other students about my mental health issues from both bereavement and trauma and it’s nice to train in a space where I have and always will feel safe and welcome. We are a family. I’ve been part of this one for over eight years of the sixteen-plus years of my Muay Thai journey so far.

Fight no1, Broadplains, Bristol 2010 fighting for Sakprasert gym and me.

Speaking of family I have been of course thinking of my own a lot of late. I saw my mum earlier this month and in July too and of course I’m back over in Spain in September. Bereavement and grief come in waves but the longer the waves have lasted the easier it becomes to navigate them and recognise them as they break on the shore. If my dad was still here (I think some days he is) I’m sure he’d be proud to see me walking taller and taking control of my life once again.

To say it’s not been easy is an understatement and with this and what appears to be PTSD and disassociation created primarily by the police and their abuse of my data the world at points has seemed like a very cold and dark place. Thankfully, good friends, fun times, and remembering to put me first have helped me navigate the parts when things seemed bleakest. As the saying goes it’s always darkest before the dawn and now there’s a light at the end of the tunnel I’m walking taller than I was six months ago.

I’m starting to draft some of the text for the scrapbook about my dad’s life this evening. I’m doing this because it’s taken me over two months to get to this point. I’m doing this because my mum needs me to and because it’s something that like this blog and like my writing and my dad’s writing will tell a story. My father was an important guy and a beautiful human. Just like me, he had a free soul and I miss him more than words can say. Like my dear friend, Ahmed once said I am him. I am his legacy and because I am everything I do celebrates his life.

You may wonder sometimes if I see my mum in the same light as my father. The answer to that is absolutely. She lobbied an MP with one of his sisters to get the Met police to back off and leave him alone when he came here without a passport fleeing the apartheid regime in the 1960s and they won.

She was married to him for over forty years and loves him fiercely. She taught me to embrace my African roots and has always loved everything I do with martial arts. She trained in Judo for a few years in her youth. She’s a feminist, a former head of two departments at my old secondary school (Dad was at one point the head of English at a College in Cambridge), and anti-racist to her core. She taught me as did Dad not to take it lying down and to stand up for what is right and to be proud of who I am. Most importantly she’s taught me how to be free and back in the day she traveled all around the world and saw all seven wonders. I’d love to do that.

Families in my life take different shapes and forms from my Muay Thai family I train with day in and day out, my mum and relatives and my closest friends who have known me for many many years, and even just my mates I see now and then. The one thing I notice about all of them is that despite it all we’ve got each other’s back and we are there for each other no matter the weather. Some bonds are impossible to break and although friendships and relationships can change over time the people who check in on you when you are not at your best are your people Keep those people close always because just like the last time, they’ll see you on that road.

If my dad was here

Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. I thought I should take the opportunity to check in with you all, I mean I know it’s Friday and you’ve more than likely got better things to do than read this blog of mine but the writing bug has bitten me once again so I decided to heed its call, a bit like the Muay Thai bug that’s been biting me since 2007 and just won’t leave me alone.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say about 40 minutes ago, but sometimes it’s better to let it all come out rather than stay inside where it can do the most damage. If you’ve been through similar places to me you’ll know what I said back there is an undeniable truth, that may hurt but at least it sets you free.

Outbursts and lash outs to one side I have to say the past six weeks or so have been some of the toughest in my life. At points, I’ve never known anything like it. Trauma manifests itself in many different ways and all of them are painful and designed to break you, but resilience that’s something beautiful. Just like my father. Just like my friend Ahmed and just like the young man they used to stop and search for riding on the pavement who became a man they lied about on a national police database.

My mum always told me never to tell tales. It’s a real shame no one told the police that but you know something me and them? we’ve never got on. Even after I fixed everything and healed my life they still did their best to ruin it. If my dad was here he’d say that I need to be strong. I need to be there for my mum and to fight for my rights. If my dad was here. But he’s not here. Or maybe he is. Training this afternoon I could almost feel his hand on my shoulder. The guy standing next to him doing just the same was that brother Ahmed Fofanah. My dear friend.

If trauma is a cycle then I can say without a shadow of a doubt I can relieve the worst of it just like it was yesterday. I can go back there because I remember everything. Let’s not forget that ownership of institutional racism is “virtue signalling” and nothing more. Lest we forget Stephen Lawrence and lest I forget what I’ve been through and what pieces I’m picking up right now. Being accountable takes bravery sometimes not deflection.

I hold myself to account on a daily basis. My biggest critic is myself whether that be in the gym, in the ring, or whenever I want to be more than who I am. But I’m a comfortable and happy John. Despite my current highs and lows. Training gives a lot back to me even when it’s tough just to get to the gym I always make sure I go. It’s the one place I can put the baggage down by the door it’s just that I pick it up when I leave. Nothing is forever though just like my father, in the meantime I’m learning to dance with a limp.

These days I train 5 times a week again like it or not. I want to take the energy and confidence it gives me and apply it to all things in my life. I want to feel like me again. A friend once said to me “Look how tall you walk.” I think it’s about time that I did. Have a good week, train hard, and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.

Navigation

Activism, Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. It’s good to catch up as always and this week just like the one before has been a good week of training. I’ve said many times before procrastination and I am old friends so feeling writer’s block or lack of motivation to sit down and write weekly finally leaving is a good thing. This week I’ve managed to get back to my regular 5 sessions a week of Thai boxing which I guess to some, especially in Thailand really is a small drop in the ocean but to me, it’s always been where progress begins.

Our head coach has always said it isn’t always about volume but more about what you learning and improving and developing and I agree completely, but even he would agree that the more you put in the more you get out. Martial arts is a long game and if you want to get good at anything you have to stick with it and do your best. I guess that’s why I decided to sit down and write my blog once again this evening, I’d rather keep the rust off because I know when it comes to creativity my energy is always flowing in the right direction.

After a good few weeks of intensely heavy grief and trauma, I feel that Muay Thai is helping me develop a foundation to work towards goals not just in the gym but in my life too. Yesterday evening I had a moment of clarity. For the past few months, I’ve been going out and partying one hell of a lot, In fact, Friday night’s Saturday morning hangovers, Saturday gym sessions, and then more pubs or a club had become the norm.

I was becoming adaptable at canceling out the hard work I was doing in the week of training, even if I would make it to the gym four times a week alcohol managed to sabotage running and keeping fitter than I am currently heading back to now. One or two bottles of Red Wine in a week reminded me that I missed my dad and that the police have traumatized me and I decided to stop seeing my therapist. “I’m doing better than January” I would remind myself, burying my emotions in training, volunteering, work, parties and just loving being me whilst also worrying about my well-being and supporting my mum through our tragic loss and loneliness of missing dad. I saw mum in April and I can’t wait to see her in June.

I kept myself focused by fighting for my rights and helping others as always fight for theirs. I learned to navigate the trauma through martial arts and spending time with friends but always there was alcohol to help me when I had a rough day. My business was second place but my community consultancy work with JRCT on the Movement Assembly was a breath of fresh air.

As a paradox my Open University studies nose-dived and some days I didn’t want to do anything at all. When the dreams started about the police and then terrible dreams about armed police I knew there was something very wrong, finally waking up one morning I said out loud “I can’t believe what I have been through” referring to data breaches, political policing and police contact, and of course losing my beautiful dad. That morning all it took was an email from West Yorkshire Police followed by an email from BTP to reduce me to tears. Months of convincing myself I would be ok ended the moment my email pinged.

Bristol Copwatch has a strong core team of a reasonable size some of whom have been through hell with the police. We understand how they operate and have helped our communities hold them to account for over three years. We fight hard for people but just recently I’ve remembered that I need to fight hard for myself too. Loving yourself is one thing but as my previous therapist said I must learn to love honour and respect myself again.

I’m currently working through the last wave of everything and feel stronger than yesterday. I’ve already decided to cut down on alcohol, start running regularly again and train like a beast. I’m starting therapy again and remembering life can be a lot more exciting than a night down the pub. In the meantime, I’m getting my degree back in shape and work back on track. It will be good to work with JRCT again later this year.

Most importantly, I no longer want the police to make me feel like a victim. I want to honour my dad and support my mum because he fought back and he won and on my best day I wish I was more like him. Most importantly I want to remember to live my life well and be happy. Training is part of my happiness but there are many other parts of me than just bags and pads. Once upon a time, there was a young man who got in that ring and never looked back, I need his inner to help me at the tough bit and today I saw him again. Thinking about it makes me cry when I remember how tall he can walk when he does his best.

Despite housing issues, narrowly avoiding a second breakdown of some sort, and having what can be best described as PTSD-type symptoms from what the police have done to me, I’m stronger in myself and still intend to hold them to account, but I’m not whale hunting. I’m putting my health and well-being at the front. I’m navigating a journey I never wanted to make and despite having nearly let things fall to pieces for the second time in my life I won’t give up because I’m facing the right direction and all I have to do is just keep walking.

There is a community meeting hosted by Bristol Copwatch at the ECC this Wednesday in Easton, I’ll be there presenting two workshops for our monitoring group and leading a broad discussion on policing issues affecting our communities. I’ll be there because I see you. I’ll be there because my younger John needs you to hear his dad’s strong voice where I’m centered and brave and the room just like the ring feels like home. Have a good week, train hard, and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.

The JRCT Movement Assembly

Kill the bill again.

Activism, Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development

Hi. It’s good to catch up as always and wow. It’s been nearly a month since I picked up this blog of mine. I need to start writing a lot more than I am at present that’s for sure. But you know something? I and procrastination are old friends. Today, it’s nice to shake off the writing excuses. At the moment I’m dealing with another wave of trauma from police contact and grief of losing my dad. It is a wave it crashes on the shore. It started last night, and I’ll tell you how because I trust you and know it’ll go no further than you and me.

I’ve been playing an early-access game on my PC called Sons of the Forest. My fellow special forces survivor Kalvin became expandable and I killed him brutally for yet again cowering in fear following an attack by a giant cannibal. I hope by this point you are laughing because I am. What triggered me was what happened next. We had made friends with a woman who had made friends with both of us. With no spoilers attached, she’s far from normal but had visited our mini home regularly. I even saw her whispering to him and she gave us food.

When I killed Kalvin in the game she was watching at distance she walked over slowly and brought some aloe vera leaves that she placed gently by his body. She then broke down and sobbed by his body. I actually paused and just went “Wow” I felt bad. I had murdered her friend.

And then of course I navigated my own grief. Dad arrived sudden and out the blue but always beautiful. At this point I should say I do have a therapist and she’s lovely I haven’t seen her for a few weeks now but I’m about to send her an email. In the meantime, as therapy goes this will have to do.

Grief and trauma are powerful emotions that we all go through and learn to navigate. I spent a long time believing I could lock them away. These days I love and respect myself and know that they need a voice. Police in particular are rarely accountable for the trauma they create.

I wanted to share some of my speech with you today that I read at the Last Kill The Bill 2 march and demonstration outside Bridewell Police Station in Bristol. I’m writing a book about my misspent youth (not all of it was bad and I have very beautiful memories and loving parents)and my journey into martial arts and how it helped me turn my life around. It’s called “The Last of the good guys”. My drama teacher smiling at the time called me that in my last ever lesson in secondary school in the 5th year. Anyway here’s that speech, it’s quite long so is abridged. After this, I’m hitting the gym to take it out on the bags and not the cops.

We’ve never got on – KTB Bridewell Anniversary speech.

“From my teens to my late 20s I was stopped and searched routinely by Hampshire Police. Before I broke any law, I was racially profiled. At one point being stopped and searched was nearly a daily occurrence. Nearly every day. Over 15 years on that still resonates.  Over 15 years on I still struggle to forgive myself for ruining my life all those years ago.  I used to have a drug problem. I used to be a drug dealer. In the end, I broke the cycle and healed my life. I changed myself. Not the police, state, or punitive punishment.

 Not disproportionate stop and search. Not incarceration. But me. Because I got tired of hurting those I cared about the most. I got tired of being angry and hurting and never healing. Of saying “I’m fine” when I was in pieces inside and no one understood, and everyone lectured me and the police judged me. They put me in a box that said, “wants to be bad” and for a while I did. In the end, I learned the hard way. So many of us do. I was never any good at breaking the law.

If I’ve taken away one thing from those years, it’s that even “bloody criminals” especially the black and brown boys have rights. We have journeys that we never wanted to make. We have labels the police give us that stay with us for life. When the police were in my life it was never ending and when they weren’t it felt like liberation…

Towards the end

“As the founding member of an independent grassroots police monitoring group, it’s fair to say that over the past few years of our existence, we have seen numerous cases of abuse of power. We have witnessed the machinery of the state in action! We understand the damage the criminal justice system and the police can do to people’s lives. I know the pain of being labeled a criminal. Someone who will never change. But you know something? I did change. And I changed for me and never the police!

Far too many of us are lost in the system without the help and support we need. Far too many of us lose faith that we will ever see justice and so many of us have lost all faith in the police themselves. The brutality of 2021 showed us the nature of revenge policing. It showed us that our communities are nothing more than a containment operation to a force that continues to militarise itself with ARV patrols, that risk scores and assesses us as numbers,  and fails to respond to community needs!

If the past few years have shown us one thing it’s that when we stand together we are a force to be reckoned with and with the outright damning Casey report on the Metropolitan Police it is clear that when all is said and done, all we really have is each other. This year, make sure you leave no one behind! Check in with that person being stopped and searched, and challenge police violence if you see it in action! Film the police, and help your community take action against misconduct. Bristol Copwatch is all of us. This year let’s show the police what time it is! Fight for your rights and as I always say, always stand up to your bullies!”

Thanks for hearing my strong voice. Remember to kill the bill. I’ll see you on that road. #amwriting

Never say never

Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. It’s good to catch up once again after what feels like a long period of writing hiatus. I’ve been asking myself of late when it is exactly I’m going to pick this blog up again so it’s good to find the time amongst the “busy” of my life. To be honest, I think I’ve been missing writing a lot, and seeing as it’s a gift my dad gave me it’s good to connect with a natural bias once again.

Training has been good of late and although I haven’t been getting to the gym as much as I’d like at points I’m valuing my time there. It’s not always about volume but what you learn and take away however I’m still a firm believer that the more you put in, the more you will always get out.

I’ve found that being busy has a tendency to have a knock-on effect on one of my favourite ways to spend my time and from next week onwards I’m upping the ante with my fitness regime outside of Muay Thai training and getting back into my running. Like one of the fighters from my camp said to me earlier you need to be fit and you need to be fast. It’s hard training let alone sparring with a Sunday hangover but I did great today.

There’s a lot I want to improve and get better and it’s good to know that I have some real goals to focus on in the gym and outside of it too. Muay Thai is a great outlet for me and it always has been. If energy flows where attention goes then it’s good to know that with Muay Thai it’s absolutely flowing in the right direction.

This week and last week have seen that energy going into improving a couple of things and being honest, despite a left bruised shin from kicking the heavy bag little bits could potentially be getting better. Before I start putting myself down I accept the fact to progress and improve not only do I need to remain consistent with my training but that I need to start changing who I am as a fighter. Because I am a fighter. Did you know that? sometimes I don’t see myself as one.

Sometimes I doubt myself and give myself a hard time for getting things wrong, for not using what I know, and for falling into the same patterns and traps when sparring, for being too predictable, for chambering my kicks for forgetting that people I train with tell me they think I’m a good boxer. That I’m a good fighter. I know how to fight and once they even told me that my record doesn’t do me justice. It’s just that now I’ve got to a point where I accept that I can just train for training’s sake and still set goals. I still want to be better than who I am and prove myself wrong and just get better and better with time.

My head coach said to me a while ago “never say never” so I’ll remember that and if you see a glint in my eye and a trademark smirk on my face when I look at the ring you’ll know that the guy who won an area title way back in 2013 is still very much in the room. He just needs your help again to show him he’s more than he ever thought he could be. Have a good week, train hard, and just like the last time..I’ll see you on that road.

2022

Activism, Muay Thai, Personal Development

Hi. It’s nice to catch up once again. I’m currently one of the many people who has caught the truly horrible cold that’s doing the rounds which successfully managed to sabotage training this weekend. I’m flying to Spain to spend Christmas with my mum tomorrow so I can only hope the worst has passed by the morning.

Moan over I thought I’d take the opportunity to round up 2022 for me in a nutshell. When it comes to community activism and public speaking it’s been one hell of a year. I finished the year off speaking at the truly awesome Children of Tomorrow event for the family of Chris Kaba at Trinity Bristol on Friday for Bristol Copwatch.

The past few weeks have been a very intense push with events seeing us in Oxford and London delivering know your rights workshops and of course doing a good bit of networking too. As a grassroots police monitoring organisation that only started in 2020, we’ve developed in leaps and bounds and have helped a lot of people.

There’s still a lot of work to be done but there’s more than enough time to continue to build. To be honest it’s going to be nice to have some time off from tomorrow. My own legal battles against the police are ongoing but it’s getting put right and ever since I first started volunteering with Copwatch I’ve always loved helping others do the same.

Art on display at Children of Tomorrow on the 16th. The artist is Oshii. The pieces were auctioned off and profits were donated to the family of Chris Kaba.

Of course, just like with Muay Thai and competing independent grassroots police monitoring is about teamwork and moving towards common goals and objectives. It was nice to be called an inspiration on Friday evening and it was great to hear such positive feedback about my speech and contribution to the speaker panel I participated in. The conversations as a whole were important and I thought some valid points were made around community, education, and supporting youth that get drawn into cycles. Having been there myself I know when the police are in your life it can be very difficult to get them out of your life again.

“We want to see an end to disproportionate and racist policing and believe in community solutions that solve problems and prevent cycles of police harassment and those journeys none of us ever want to make through the criminal justice system”

I’ve always said and always will say that martial arts and Muay Thai helped me turn my life around because it did, but even then it took time for me to heal (being honest I think I still am) and move onto a new and brighter future.

“Once a criminal always a criminal is a label we’re given for life.”

But it is a label I’ve shown myself and others that holds no relevance to me anymore. There’s nothing more satisfying than proving the cops wrong. In 2023 I intend to show them what time it is. Navigating bereavement throughout this year has also been assisted by martial arts, although I think about my dad every day and he’s with me all the time training is something that has often helped me go back to my inner maintain my focus, and get stronger. Grief has forged resilience and strength in me that just like the light that is my father will never go out.

Although I have good days and bad days the memories of dad have become increasingly beautiful and everything that I do is in celebration of his life. He was a sportsman and athlete like me. He was a writer like me. A political and community activist like me and he only led by example. On my best day, I wish I could be more like him.

As well as supporting myself I’ve also of course been at points supporting my awesome mum. Seriously, she’s brilliant and I can’t wait to see her tomorrow afternoon. I guess I’m fortunate to have parents who both have always had their moral compasses pointed in the right direction. I may not be perfect but I have good role models in my life. Putting others before myself has been something I’ve inherited from both of my parents.

There were a few things I wanted to achieve training-wise this year that hasn’t taken shape. Next year I’d like to see if I can commit to training enough again to fight toward the summer but I’m open-minded about it. I’ve still got it, it’s never left but it’s also a big commitment and with other positive outlets to focus on I can at the very least ensure I train just as hard as I always have. I’ll be training when I’m 60. I’d love to go to Thailand again next year too.

Although it’s a shame I’ve missed the gym this weekend due to illness I’ll be back on the horse 5 times a week again like it or not as of January, and whilst I’m away for Christmas running, shadow boxing and maybe hitting the bag at the local gym will fill the gap until I’m back in the mix for 2023. Next year should see several positive things happening. I don’t want to go into too much right now but as the saying goes when facing the right direction all you have to do is keep walking. It’s been great catching up with you again. Thanks as always for reading my blog. Have a good Christmas, train hard, and win all your fights in the ring or otherwise. I’ll see you on that road.