“Once the storm is over you won´t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won´t ever be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won´t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm is all about”

Haruki Murakami, “Kafka On The Shore”

Hi. It’s nice to catch up with you all once again and although blogging at present may not happen as frequently as I’d like it’s good as always to find the time to write, despite having a tumultuous month with mental health I’m pleased to say as we approach the end of October I’m feeling a step closer back to myself than before.

I guess it’s really because of certain situations in my life that have had no clear end in sight drawing closer to a conclusion that I feel that I’ve received some closure. Amongst everything that I’ve had to navigate since a nervous breakdown in July of this year, I’ve had to deal with housing issues too, thankfully now righting themselves.

If PTSD has taught me one thing it’s that I need to look after myself and put myself first. Training this week has consisted of a lot of martial arts self-care and it’s good to have trained six times instead of my generic five. As I’ve mentioned several times before everyone in my gym is awesome and it’s nice to get the occasional check-in from trainers and other students and fighters.

Although training is a superb tool for working with fight or flight and building my self-confidence and self-esteem once again if I step into the training space not in the best of places after training I have to deal with the inevitable emotional crash that comes. Exhaustion and fatigue are very real things so I’ve chosen a second outlet to help navigate that bit. I’ve started collecting comics again.

If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen me sharing photos of the new Image Comics series of The Transformers. I bought issue 1 and even have a variant cover. I do not intend to become “that guy” but I’ll be honest my younger John is happy and so’s the 40-something Thai boxing nerd that sits in the driving seat these days.

Training however is something that I’m very happy to invest more and more of my time into. Today I made a very wise decision to have an alcohol break. It was in danger of becoming a coping mechanism, and as my therapist will no doubt say to me next week it was in danger of becoming such because alcohol numbs pain.

On Tuesday this week, I sat down with a 16-year-old boy who was racially profiled and stopped and searched regularly. To a point, it was almost every day. He hadn’t broken any laws and certainly at that point wasn’t “known” to the police (it’s unlawful for police to target you based on previous criminal history, it’s unlawful but as I often say when speaking publicly about their organisation it’s unlawful but they do it anyway.) but he became their victim because his skin wasn’t white.

Sitting down with him (me) at points brought tears to my eyes. Ken Hinds calls the experience of black youth and youth of colour who are subjected to abuse of stop and search powers being stopped and scarred. I’m inclined to agree. Being brave enough to acknowledge that part of me, my younger John as I call him remembers once asking a policeman what description he fitted and being told “he’s mixed race” ( a very broad “catch-all” term undermining my South African heritage spectacularly ) and then not remembering the search but the anger at the police that came from his father “It’s because he’s black!” was very important for me.

It showed me that I ran into institutional racism at a young age but instead of dealing with what happened, I put it away where it couldn’t hurt me. in the end, I was caught in a cycle and dragged backward through the criminal justice system.

Although through Muay Thai and other positive outlets in my life I’ve learned how to navigate some of the recent damage done to me I’ve also remembered that I am much more than what has happened to me. This month my mum said something I think my dad would say if he was still here. What the police put on me in my youth and more recently is them and has never been me. It is as I have learned in time how they operate.

She said I’m better than them and you know something I wish I had known that all those years ago. I remember how finding martial arts felt like I was proving them wrong, that I was showing them people can change. Years later I know the police don’t care. Taking my power back by taking it away from the organisation I gave it to has been the smartest move I’ve made all year.

Training, running, and therapy are helping me heal and although there is a lot of work to be done I’m very pleased that at the end of this week, I can see that my future is bright again and I can choose future purpose, over current pain. On Tuesday I couldn’t see a future at all. All it took was one thing to be said to me. “what happens when PTSD is cured?” for me not to want to be “that guy with the problems” but that guy who came back stronger to realise that despite it all, everything changes. Storms end and I’m not just a survivor but a winner.

Muay Thai however does wonders for self-confidence and self-esteem but then again so does public speaking. Next month (8.11.23 to be precise ) I’m very pleased to be on a speakers panel with the awesome StopWatch in my capacity as a public speaker and community activist with Bristol Copwatch. It’s a University of Bristol Criminal Justice Society event “Power, policy and policing” and you can find out more here. Although the storm may not be over I’m proud of myself for taking my power back and of course for never ever giving up fighting for my rights. Have a good week train hard and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.