Hi. It’s good to check in with you all. I could feel the slow subtle bite of procrastination setting in with this blog of mine so I’ve got tonight off training I thought I’d take the opportunity to catch up. Training has been good so far this week but then again it’s really not been bad at all of late. Despite it being a slightly shorter week training-wise as I’m off to Spain to see my mum on Sunday I’m looking forward to what’s ahead for the rest of it.

I train regularly again these days (as I’ve mentioned before back to around five or six times a week) and it’s good to feel like I’m taking something away from every session. Open mat, bag work, and sparring sessions are time well spent but I’m especially enjoying the Tuesday night class and Thursday night classes with our coaches. Muay Thai doesn’t always come easy to me but it’s great to be in an environment where I’m always learning.

It’s very easy to feel stuck in a rut sometimes with training and I’ve always found when I don’t think much progress is being made at all small improvements begin to show. It’s fun to learn and a real challenge when your sights on a goal. it’s nice to be in an environment where you are being pushed and encouraged to be at your best. It feels like the art is helping me with my self-confidence and self-esteem again like it did all those years ago when we first made friends. That can only ever be a good thing.

Over two months ago I suffered from a nervous breakdown and have been recovering ever since. With this and a diagnosis to confirm everyone’s worst suspicions at the end of August, it’s fair to say my self-confidence and self-esteem took a significant hit. I’m very grateful that Muay Thai has shown me once again that warriors don’t just live in rings, and that my fighter is always there when I need him the most. “Look how tall you walk.” He says proudly just like he always did. So I walk tall.

You see, Muay Thai found a young man all those years ago (well being honest, I’m still young, 44 isn’t old age but you know what I mean right?) who had not only been through a lot but was a shadow of himself when he stepped into a gym for the first time. In fact, his shadow was that visible he never thought he’d see the light.

Then Muay Thai came along and training was once a week, then twice a week, then three times a week, and.. well you know the rest. I can still remember relaxing in a hot bath after the gym way back when thinking how good it was I trained three times a week. I can still remember watching people sparring and thinking “I wish I could do that!”. It’s funny how I found something that brought me back to me. It’s not that funny in hindsight. It’s outright beautiful.

Earlier this evening I was reflecting on my lived experience of the cops. Just recently I’ve been thinking about my beautiful father and what he went through in South Africa with the police and when he came to England. They traumatised him too. When it comes to my own journey, some would say “Well you should have stayed out of trouble. You brought it on yourself” To those people I’d say that the law is not meant to punish you forever. Even if the police say it is. The police create trauma. Black boys and brown boys are stopped and scarred.

Of course, Dad and I had more than just the colour of our skin in common we had the unbreakable bond that exists between father and son. Way back when it broke his heart to see me make the mistakes I did and it outright lifted it up to see me turn my life around and save my own day. Mum told me how proud they both were. I think they always will be. She can still remember when the police used to stop me nearly every day. We remember how they left me alone when I found martial arts.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past few months about trauma is that time isn’t the best healer. It just teaches you how to be resilient and dance with a limp. Just like grief. I’m grateful as always to have Muay Thai in my life and love every minute at the gym. Just getting better and improving it all is my goal for now and it’s good to be able to share some of that with you. If you’ve run into some of the issues I have in the past I’d recommend you speak to Bristol Copwatch. We can help you put it right, and if you haven’t had to navigate that journey many of us never wanted to make I’m happier for you than you’ll ever know.

Do you know something? I’m already gearing myself up for Thursday night’s training. Right now it can’t get here soon enough, but that’s me wishing the week away again. Week by week, session by session I’m learning to leave what I’m carrying at the door, and that nice energy afterward? That’s mine to keep. I’m sorry I missed you tonight Muay Thai it won’t happen again. Promise. In the meantime, and just like the time before…I’ll see you on that road.