Gentle Lions

Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Morning all, it’s nice to catch up once again and today I wanted to take the time and sit down and write before heading into the rest of Wednesday! I hope things are good in your world and like myself, you’ve been training hard and enjoying it too. Between you and me, it’s doing me the world of good in fact these days on average I train five or six times a week which is of course always a good thing.

If Muay Thai is the yang that helps me manage and work with fight or flight created by PTSD when it emerges then writing is absolutely the Yin that helps me navigate the crash that comes after. It’s also something that gives a nice balance to a high-intensity workout and if things feel bleak then writing absolutely helps put them right. Well, Muay Thai does the same but I hope you know what I mean.

I’ve read several articles on the subject of martial arts helping us navigate trauma and improve mental health and if it seems like something I keep going back to it’s because it’s my lived experience, and although it’s not a magic bullet training is doing me the world of good. Stepping into my gym last night I felt anxious and alert but told everyone I was fine. What was refreshing for me last week, however, was to be told by one of the longer-term students and fighters that it’s to say I’m not okay sometimes and that the gym is somewhere where I should feel safe.

What was really important to me is that he went on to say combat sports and martial arts gyms can seem very macho but here (as in my camp) I should not be afraid to show vulnerability. Of course, I was speaking to someone who has been through what I’m navigating at present and it’s good to know that my gym is full of many “humans of fighting.” Then again it’s not the only gym I’ve trained at with good people.

Day by day I’m remembering how to not carry myself but how to take the positive energy Muay Thai gives me and apply it to the rest of my life. There are points in our life where we run into hardship and difficulty and it’s at these points we learn the most about ourselves as people. I was told recently that although what has happened to me is terrible and those responsible should be accountable I’m just as accountable for how I respond or more appropriately react to whatever I encounter that triggers me in my day-to-day life.

Just recently my fighter stepped in when it seemed a situation could escalate and I could feel a hyper-vigilant PTSD episode beginning. It seemed that someone older and wiser stepped forward and said very gently “Look again. There is no threat.” seeing as I was in a supermarket it was a moment of clarity and I thanked myself for not only being there for me but for defusing something that would have come from nothing. But that’s me. Gentle as a lamb, fierce as a lion.

Things happen to us in our lives that create incredible amounts of trauma. I’m someone who historically has suppressed how I feel inside because I don’t want it to hurt me or those I care about the most. These days I sit down with myself regularly, I have a psychotherapist who is teaching me how to travel light. I’m eternally grateful for her help but I’m just as grateful for the good people I have in my life beyond this in fact I don’t think I’ll ever stop saying thanks.

I wanted to share a superb article I read yesterday focusing on some of the issues I’ve faced in my life called “Healing, resistance, and justice in the ends” It really put things into perspective for me and reminded me how important it is that all of us are there for each other. Some days, like today I feel vulnerable. A guy like me some would say feeling vulnerable? he can’t be serious! but you see I am, and that part of me I take to Muay Thai training and say “Let me show you something, young man No one will ever hurt you again.” and do you know what? I think that’s the triple truth because here I am thriving in spite of it all.

If writing is one thing, it’s therapeutic. Sparring is this evening and in the meantime, I’ve got the rest of Wednesday to take the cleaners. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this week’s blog and I hope it’s helped. I’ll do my best to write a lot more frequently. Have a great week train hard and just like the last time.. I’ll see you on that road.

The odds in my favour

Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. It’s nice to catch up with you once again. You know it’s hard to pick up from where I left off last but you know something? today is better than yesterday. In fact, today is better than the majority of last week. I’ve learned much to my dismay that mental health has a tendency to let you down when you really don’t need it to and despite last week being a full week of training suffice to say Monday to Sunday was a slow but gradual spiral downwards.

I’m not too sure where it began but I know where it finished and as always I’m grateful for my friends and family plus support from my truly awesome therapist who isn’t afraid to tell me how it is when I need to hear it the most. I’m probably making this sound slightly more dramatic or is it more traumatic than it needs to be? but friends and neighbours, this is my life at present. I’m pleased to say this week has started a lot stronger than last and ok last week probably wasn’t as bad as it seems right now.

If there’s one thing Muay Thai is very good at helping you do it’s building strength and resilience in the face of adversity so I have to admit when I got the good news this week that I’ve won a compensation claim against my landlord for failing to protect my deposit not once but twice I couldn’t help but crack a smile because I have a feeling that when it comes to the rest of what’s ahead the odds will be ever in my favour.

The one thing I’ve learned through Muay Thai training and my natural bias that leans towards tenaciousness is to persist because persistence is the habit of victory. It’s something I learned at a very early stage in my martial journey and over time I’ve learned to apply that persistence and at points sheer bloody-mindedness to other areas of my life including of course my volunteer work holding the police to account for my community.

I’m currently officially on Copwatch volunteer leave until November which is good as I’ve not had a break in over three years! I’m applying that tenaciousness and focus to my IT career and of course, this week onwards want to bring back into my training. All it took was a tough session at the gym last Tuesday to fire up my anxiety and over a month of what felt like progress came crashing down. When I say it’s not you it’s me I mean it, however, I’m learning to navigate some very powerful emotions and feelings that come into play when I have to push myself. This, by the way, is most certainly a good thing.

As students and as fighters in Muay Thai we learn to work with fight or flight response on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. Hey, fighting is what we do right? learning how to manage those responses is pretty much critical to success. Learning how to manage those responses outside the gym is also pretty much critical to self-defense and day-to-day life.

I’m not sure how much you know about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder )and what that looks like in action but partly because it’s asking me nicely to tell you what its problem is exactly I thought I should share. It starts from in my chest and pushes up wanting release. My heart beats faster and my breathing becomes shallow.

My fight or flight response then decides that I must be ready for confrontation and that’s what I’m ready for as my world collapses around me and spirals downwards I remember everything that has been the root cause of the problem like it was yesterday, and the trauma insists you quite simply do not understand but you must know what has been done to me as I go back to it and back to it and back to it some more whilst always ready because something is coming.

The tears and the vulnerability that has to defend itself aren’t anyone’s fault. The righteous anger the ready-to-go because you fucking want it right manifests itself as my dragon who protects my soul and when he leaves it feels like a train has hit me. I feel so tired, I feel burnt out. I just need to rest. The police did this to me. No one else. Just them. But who exactly is accountable for my responses? just me.

Muay Thai and some very helpful breathing meditation exercises given to me by my truly awesome therapist have taught me how to manage PTSD when it begins its seemingly inevitable push to the surface. If Muay Thai has taught me one thing, it’s how to channel fight or flight into a positive healthy outlet (it’s not a magic fix but is known to assist with recovery from trauma) then spending time with close friends and family and attending therapy once a week has taught me I need to sit down with me more.

I’m currently focusing on the good things in my life (there are many) and getting back to me and when it comes to good things training is absolutely one of them. I may not be at my very best at present but I know who I am and what’s inside. There’s a new me punching to the surface every single day. He’s kind and loving just like before, strong and resilience flows through his veins. He’s not just a survivor and a fighter he’s what a winner looks like and I can’t wait to meet him. I hope you feel the same. Have a great week, train hard, and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.

Family

Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. it’s good to catch up once again. It’s good as always to find the time to sit down and write this blog of mine and I intend to start blogging weekly again. Little by little I’m getting myself back on track and I think really that’s the most important thing. Today there were several people from my gym fighting at a local and very prestigious show in Bristol Noble Combat Championship. From looking at our WhatsApp group chat right now it seems we did well as usual. That’s to be expected.

It’s great to see that Revolution Phuket (I knew them as Sitsongpeenong when I trained there way back when) backs the show as well as other great organisations involved with combat sports, there’s a lot of talent at my camp and I can see several of the fighters going places in the next few years. When it comes to myself and fighting my attitude is that if I keep training hard, keep focused, and approach everything with the right attitude anything is possible.

It’s inspiring to train with people who push each other to be their very best. It’s good to have moved from feeling like I was going through the motions back to seeing little leaps of progress here and there. It’s good to see this and it motivates me to keep training and to take as much away from each session as I can.

Martial arts although not a magic fix are good to help navigate trauma and improve overall wellbeing and mental health. It meant the world to me recently to have a fighter walk up to me and ask me how I am and that he hoped things work out for the best for me. I’ve been very transparent with my coaches and other students about my mental health issues from both bereavement and trauma and it’s nice to train in a space where I have and always will feel safe and welcome. We are a family. I’ve been part of this one for over eight years of the sixteen-plus years of my Muay Thai journey so far.

Fight no1, Broadplains, Bristol 2010 fighting for Sakprasert gym and me.

Speaking of family I have been of course thinking of my own a lot of late. I saw my mum earlier this month and in July too and of course I’m back over in Spain in September. Bereavement and grief come in waves but the longer the waves have lasted the easier it becomes to navigate them and recognise them as they break on the shore. If my dad was still here (I think some days he is) I’m sure he’d be proud to see me walking taller and taking control of my life once again.

To say it’s not been easy is an understatement and with this and what appears to be PTSD and disassociation created primarily by the police and their abuse of my data the world at points has seemed like a very cold and dark place. Thankfully, good friends, fun times, and remembering to put me first have helped me navigate the parts when things seemed bleakest. As the saying goes it’s always darkest before the dawn and now there’s a light at the end of the tunnel I’m walking taller than I was six months ago.

I’m starting to draft some of the text for the scrapbook about my dad’s life this evening. I’m doing this because it’s taken me over two months to get to this point. I’m doing this because my mum needs me to and because it’s something that like this blog and like my writing and my dad’s writing will tell a story. My father was an important guy and a beautiful human. Just like me, he had a free soul and I miss him more than words can say. Like my dear friend, Ahmed once said I am him. I am his legacy and because I am everything I do celebrates his life.

You may wonder sometimes if I see my mum in the same light as my father. The answer to that is absolutely. She lobbied an MP with one of his sisters to get the Met police to back off and leave him alone when he came here without a passport fleeing the apartheid regime in the 1960s and they won.

She was married to him for over forty years and loves him fiercely. She taught me to embrace my African roots and has always loved everything I do with martial arts. She trained in Judo for a few years in her youth. She’s a feminist, a former head of two departments at my old secondary school (Dad was at one point the head of English at a College in Cambridge), and anti-racist to her core. She taught me as did Dad not to take it lying down and to stand up for what is right and to be proud of who I am. Most importantly she’s taught me how to be free and back in the day she traveled all around the world and saw all seven wonders. I’d love to do that.

Families in my life take different shapes and forms from my Muay Thai family I train with day in and day out, my mum and relatives and my closest friends who have known me for many many years, and even just my mates I see now and then. The one thing I notice about all of them is that despite it all we’ve got each other’s back and we are there for each other no matter the weather. Some bonds are impossible to break and although friendships and relationships can change over time the people who check in on you when you are not at your best are your people Keep those people close always because just like the last time, they’ll see you on that road.

Mine to keep

Activism, Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. It’s been an extended leave of absence but it’s nice to find the time to sit down and get this blog of mine back up to speed. Not writing for a month feels like I’ve been missing something that’s a part of who I am so let’s take it to the stage and tell it how it is in my world when it comes to Muay Thai and everything else in between.

I’m currently waiting to get a professional opinion on the damage the police have done to my mental health following a series of data protection breaches that started in 2018 following a malicious prosecution that resulted in an unjust “assault PC” conviction. If you remember last year I was fundraising to take legal action against Avon and Somerset Police for the most serious of all the breaches.

It’s only after well over five years of fighting for my rights have the effects of the trauma the police created really had an impact on me and my wellbeing and of course my life. At present it seems to be PTSD combined with disassociation that has affected my life and wellbeing and of course my employment as a self-employed IT Professional.

Navigating the fact they lied about me in court and then created yet another lie that was placed onto the police national computer (PNC) has been distressing, to say the least. Rest assured the fight is far from done but what is very real is that after over three years of police monitoring work supporting my community and speaking nationally about the police and the criminal justice system, I need to pause, recalibrate and heal.

Just recently I’ve been thinking about resilience. You see resilience is the capacity to believe that the future could be good again, it is the ability to choose purpose over pain. It is something that I have inherited from both of my parents and although life isn’t always about the struggle when it has been it’s been there when I’ve needed it the most.

Just over two weeks ago I suffered from a serious breakdown in my hometown of Portsmouth, thankfully I was with my best friend at the time who is amazing and she has always been there for me. The tears started and wouldn’t stop but it had been a long time coming. Not wanting to slow down, put it down and just have a rest caused layers of trauma to show me that even the toughest of us have a breaking point. However, although I’m still recovering I find myself heading back to me day by day. As the equally amazing Ken Fero would say

‘It’s always possible to fight. And so that’s what you must do. You must fight. And that fight is not a thing which you enter and then leave after a year or a month or a week. It’s a lifetime struggle, and that is not a loss.’

However, that fight at points has to stop because we have to be there for ourselves just as much as we are there for others. These days I’m training five times a week again and I’ll be honest here, training is going so well for me and I’m improving so much. What training is doing is adding to my strength, resolve, and resilience to never give up and to walk tall no matter the odds.

In 2020 when Bristol Copwatch was founded I used to attend an online men’s group called “The Man in Me” hosted by community activist and friend of mine Ken Hinds as well as Royston John. Ken noted at the time that I had been victimized by the police via stop and search. and although I made mistakes I am someone who has had to learn to move from “victim” to winner.

The group helped me take ownership of what I have been through and begin to forgive myself for what I put my friends and family through in my youth (I was never any good at breaking the law) and helped me realise that I could use my lived experience to help others who have gone through it just like I did. It’s one of the reasons I’ve fought so hard for people as a volunteer caseworker for Bristol Copwatch, I see them and I know how the police operate so try to help put things right. Putting others before me is something I’ve learned from my father.

Going back to my training, the energy I have when I finish a decent training session is as an old friend of mine once said to me mine to keep. Day by day I’m remembering how to apply that positive energy to different areas of my life. I’m learning how to use it to heal some of the trauma I’ve been through navigate the loss of losing my dad in late 2021 and remember that in the end justice will come and things will be put right. It always tips for those who never give up, just like it tipped when I first started fighting.

Most importantly what has happened of late has shown me that I need to get back to myself and remember who I am and that life is more than fights for police accountability, life is good and family comes first which is why I’m making a scrapbook with my mum about my dad’s life. He was an everyday hero. Someone called me that once because of the work I do to help my community. It’s just the little things that make you smile.

On the 20th of August, I’m on an all-star speaker panel at a Bristol Copwatch and Malcolm X Movement joint event in St Pauls “Building resistance to the racist state ” You can find out more about the event here from there I’ve got a few months off fixing me. Rest assured you’ll be in capable hands when it comes to assistance holding the police to account and I won’t be gone long. Like Geoff Thompson would say it’s a temporary stop at the Inn. I intend to invest even more time into my martial arts game and as I’ve said get back to me. When it comes to community activism and Muay Thai it’s a long journey that leads to good places so just like the last time, I’ll see you on that road.

If my dad was here

Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. I thought I should take the opportunity to check in with you all, I mean I know it’s Friday and you’ve more than likely got better things to do than read this blog of mine but the writing bug has bitten me once again so I decided to heed its call, a bit like the Muay Thai bug that’s been biting me since 2007 and just won’t leave me alone.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say about 40 minutes ago, but sometimes it’s better to let it all come out rather than stay inside where it can do the most damage. If you’ve been through similar places to me you’ll know what I said back there is an undeniable truth, that may hurt but at least it sets you free.

Outbursts and lash outs to one side I have to say the past six weeks or so have been some of the toughest in my life. At points, I’ve never known anything like it. Trauma manifests itself in many different ways and all of them are painful and designed to break you, but resilience that’s something beautiful. Just like my father. Just like my friend Ahmed and just like the young man they used to stop and search for riding on the pavement who became a man they lied about on a national police database.

My mum always told me never to tell tales. It’s a real shame no one told the police that but you know something me and them? we’ve never got on. Even after I fixed everything and healed my life they still did their best to ruin it. If my dad was here he’d say that I need to be strong. I need to be there for my mum and to fight for my rights. If my dad was here. But he’s not here. Or maybe he is. Training this afternoon I could almost feel his hand on my shoulder. The guy standing next to him doing just the same was that brother Ahmed Fofanah. My dear friend.

If trauma is a cycle then I can say without a shadow of a doubt I can relieve the worst of it just like it was yesterday. I can go back there because I remember everything. Let’s not forget that ownership of institutional racism is “virtue signalling” and nothing more. Lest we forget Stephen Lawrence and lest I forget what I’ve been through and what pieces I’m picking up right now. Being accountable takes bravery sometimes not deflection.

I hold myself to account on a daily basis. My biggest critic is myself whether that be in the gym, in the ring, or whenever I want to be more than who I am. But I’m a comfortable and happy John. Despite my current highs and lows. Training gives a lot back to me even when it’s tough just to get to the gym I always make sure I go. It’s the one place I can put the baggage down by the door it’s just that I pick it up when I leave. Nothing is forever though just like my father, in the meantime I’m learning to dance with a limp.

These days I train 5 times a week again like it or not. I want to take the energy and confidence it gives me and apply it to all things in my life. I want to feel like me again. A friend once said to me “Look how tall you walk.” I think it’s about time that I did. Have a good week, train hard, and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.

Navigation

Activism, Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. It’s good to catch up as always and this week just like the one before has been a good week of training. I’ve said many times before procrastination and I am old friends so feeling writer’s block or lack of motivation to sit down and write weekly finally leaving is a good thing. This week I’ve managed to get back to my regular 5 sessions a week of Thai boxing which I guess to some, especially in Thailand really is a small drop in the ocean but to me, it’s always been where progress begins.

Our head coach has always said it isn’t always about volume but more about what you learning and improving and developing and I agree completely, but even he would agree that the more you put in the more you get out. Martial arts is a long game and if you want to get good at anything you have to stick with it and do your best. I guess that’s why I decided to sit down and write my blog once again this evening, I’d rather keep the rust off because I know when it comes to creativity my energy is always flowing in the right direction.

After a good few weeks of intensely heavy grief and trauma, I feel that Muay Thai is helping me develop a foundation to work towards goals not just in the gym but in my life too. Yesterday evening I had a moment of clarity. For the past few months, I’ve been going out and partying one hell of a lot, In fact, Friday night’s Saturday morning hangovers, Saturday gym sessions, and then more pubs or a club had become the norm.

I was becoming adaptable at canceling out the hard work I was doing in the week of training, even if I would make it to the gym four times a week alcohol managed to sabotage running and keeping fitter than I am currently heading back to now. One or two bottles of Red Wine in a week reminded me that I missed my dad and that the police have traumatized me and I decided to stop seeing my therapist. “I’m doing better than January” I would remind myself, burying my emotions in training, volunteering, work, parties and just loving being me whilst also worrying about my well-being and supporting my mum through our tragic loss and loneliness of missing dad. I saw mum in April and I can’t wait to see her in June.

I kept myself focused by fighting for my rights and helping others as always fight for theirs. I learned to navigate the trauma through martial arts and spending time with friends but always there was alcohol to help me when I had a rough day. My business was second place but my community consultancy work with JRCT on the Movement Assembly was a breath of fresh air.

As a paradox my Open University studies nose-dived and some days I didn’t want to do anything at all. When the dreams started about the police and then terrible dreams about armed police I knew there was something very wrong, finally waking up one morning I said out loud “I can’t believe what I have been through” referring to data breaches, political policing and police contact, and of course losing my beautiful dad. That morning all it took was an email from West Yorkshire Police followed by an email from BTP to reduce me to tears. Months of convincing myself I would be ok ended the moment my email pinged.

Bristol Copwatch has a strong core team of a reasonable size some of whom have been through hell with the police. We understand how they operate and have helped our communities hold them to account for over three years. We fight hard for people but just recently I’ve remembered that I need to fight hard for myself too. Loving yourself is one thing but as my previous therapist said I must learn to love honour and respect myself again.

I’m currently working through the last wave of everything and feel stronger than yesterday. I’ve already decided to cut down on alcohol, start running regularly again and train like a beast. I’m starting therapy again and remembering life can be a lot more exciting than a night down the pub. In the meantime, I’m getting my degree back in shape and work back on track. It will be good to work with JRCT again later this year.

Most importantly, I no longer want the police to make me feel like a victim. I want to honour my dad and support my mum because he fought back and he won and on my best day I wish I was more like him. Most importantly I want to remember to live my life well and be happy. Training is part of my happiness but there are many other parts of me than just bags and pads. Once upon a time, there was a young man who got in that ring and never looked back, I need his inner to help me at the tough bit and today I saw him again. Thinking about it makes me cry when I remember how tall he can walk when he does his best.

Despite housing issues, narrowly avoiding a second breakdown of some sort, and having what can be best described as PTSD-type symptoms from what the police have done to me, I’m stronger in myself and still intend to hold them to account, but I’m not whale hunting. I’m putting my health and well-being at the front. I’m navigating a journey I never wanted to make and despite having nearly let things fall to pieces for the second time in my life I won’t give up because I’m facing the right direction and all I have to do is just keep walking.

There is a community meeting hosted by Bristol Copwatch at the ECC this Wednesday in Easton, I’ll be there presenting two workshops for our monitoring group and leading a broad discussion on policing issues affecting our communities. I’ll be there because I see you. I’ll be there because my younger John needs you to hear his dad’s strong voice where I’m centered and brave and the room just like the ring feels like home. Have a good week, train hard, and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.

The JRCT Movement Assembly

Am writing

Activism, Martial Arts, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. I thought now would be a good time as ever to check in with you all once again. I’m going to spend more time getting virtual pen to paper as I don’t write nearly as much as I’d like to at present and as I’ve been writing this blog for many years it would really be a shame to see if fall to one side.

When it comes to training I’m as always enjoying my time at the gym, heading down there around four times a week at present but hoping to up the ante this week onwards. The more you put in the more you get out right? I guess really is the same when it comes to me and my writing. It’s a natural bias I’ve inherited from both my Auntie Blossom and my dad. and so of course, I’d rather not let it sit on hiatus.

I was asked not so long ago if I would like to write a 500-word piece on my journey through political policing for Netpol the Network For Police Monitoring and I think I still may well do so. I’m becoming increasingly well known as a public speaker and cop watcher and of course, a member of Bristol Copwatch who is very much all about police accountability and these days accountability, or rather lack of it from the police is something we should all be paying attention to.

My own journey through stop and search and the criminal justice system through to fighting for my rights and an unshakeable determination to hold not just one but three police forces to account for a complete abuse of power isn’t really going to be done justice in 500 words or so, which is why I’m going to get my story into a couple of releases. It’s going to be called “John’s story” and something I intend to resonate as with all things written from the heart.

Training is currently helping me navigate trauma from a series of data protection breaches that looks increasingly like a malicious attempt to position me as someone I’m not and, having an understanding of how the police operate when they are trying to protect themselves I want to be able to share my experiences as guidance and inspiration for others who are fighting for their rights and may sometimes feel alone in the wilderness.

Of course, having never done any form of activism alone and having never lived a sheltered life I understand how desperately police can attempt to cut you off from your friends when push comes to shove, and how damaging that can be. At the points when I’ve felt at my lowest like many years ago I’ve always had Muay Thai as well as family and friends to keep my head up and of course relentless community activism. There’s nothing more rewarding than holding the police to account and I love helping others do the same.

Part of my journey or “John’s story” is going to be a small snippet of a writing project called “The Last of the good guys” a project that needs life breathed into it again and is about how martial arts helped me change my life and take my power back. Little by little and day by day despite the cops and trauma, despite bereavement and heavy periods of grief, I’m finding that it’s once again helping me walk taller than I ever thought I could.

This year I hope to go with my mum to South Africa for a second time to lay my dad to rest. Part of me just like before will no doubt feel like I’ve come home and you know something? I’ll probably write about that too. Have a good week and train hard, and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.

The more you put in

Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development

Hi. It’s good to catch up as always. Just as I was reminding myself that I really need to start writing again more regularly I’ve found myself sitting down to share what’s new in my world whilst of course, hoping that all is well in yours.

Training despite being thin on the ground the week before last is starting to head back in the right direction. Last week I trained 4 times and this should be 5. I get it’s not always about volume but I’ve always been a firm believer like many others in this game the more you put in the more you get out.

I commented to one of my trainers last week that I’m improving right now because I’m training with people that have a very good standard of Muay Thai and I was pleased to see him agree with me. Although there’s a lot I need to work on and improve it’s all there and not only is it all there it just gets better with time. After over 16 years of training, it’s good to know that Mr never gives up and still never gives up, and not only that he’s improving.

My current training goal is to shed the holiday kg I put on out in Spain and probably over the past couple of months. I’m currently about 67kg which is heavy for me, and having done some situps the other day and having aching ribs the next day, it’s clear that I absolutely need to get myself in shape for that inevitable beach moment this year. I even went running before the gym today. Go me.

My fitness has always been good and I think my toughness both physical and mental is a natural bias however, I know what time it is and get that fighting after over 4 years out at 44 may be possible but isn’t essential. I said to one of my coaches that just being at my camp and training is great, but ok I’d love to fight again. As my head coach said to me a while ago now never say never. I’ll be training when I’m 60.

I spend a fair amount of time on the bags practicing combinations and felt tonight that I don’t spend enough time hitting pads out of classes, however, bag work is sharpening me up. I put it together well you know, I think I always have and it’s always nice to come up with new stuff that I can maybe try in sparring. I’m really enjoying the classes as a whole plus the open mat sessions at present. It’s lots of fun and it’s good to be learning and improving.

Although Muay Thai has never come easy to me it’s my art and my passion. To be honest I don’t think my life would be the same if I was without it. I said to a couple of new guys the other day it gives a lot back to you and they agreed. It’s about the aura you project and how you carry yourself. It’s about being kind and being as fierce as a lion when you have to be. In the ring, it’s about being a warrior. In my life, it’s about walking like one.

When I first started training way back in 2007 I had come out of a very intense relationship. I felt lost and then I found martial arts. After 6 months of learning a bit of this and a bit of that, I felt I knew everything. I walked into a Muay Thai gym and realised I knew nothing. I never looked back. Once a week became, twice a week, three times, and so on. When I started training the police left me alone and the bullies left me alone. A close friend of mine said to me “Look how tall you walk.” And she was right. I always have done. I always take it home with me. Have a great week, train hard, and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.

Kill the bill again.

Activism, Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development

Hi. It’s good to catch up as always and wow. It’s been nearly a month since I picked up this blog of mine. I need to start writing a lot more than I am at present that’s for sure. But you know something? I and procrastination are old friends. Today, it’s nice to shake off the writing excuses. At the moment I’m dealing with another wave of trauma from police contact and grief of losing my dad. It is a wave it crashes on the shore. It started last night, and I’ll tell you how because I trust you and know it’ll go no further than you and me.

I’ve been playing an early-access game on my PC called Sons of the Forest. My fellow special forces survivor Kalvin became expandable and I killed him brutally for yet again cowering in fear following an attack by a giant cannibal. I hope by this point you are laughing because I am. What triggered me was what happened next. We had made friends with a woman who had made friends with both of us. With no spoilers attached, she’s far from normal but had visited our mini home regularly. I even saw her whispering to him and she gave us food.

When I killed Kalvin in the game she was watching at distance she walked over slowly and brought some aloe vera leaves that she placed gently by his body. She then broke down and sobbed by his body. I actually paused and just went “Wow” I felt bad. I had murdered her friend.

And then of course I navigated my own grief. Dad arrived sudden and out the blue but always beautiful. At this point I should say I do have a therapist and she’s lovely I haven’t seen her for a few weeks now but I’m about to send her an email. In the meantime, as therapy goes this will have to do.

Grief and trauma are powerful emotions that we all go through and learn to navigate. I spent a long time believing I could lock them away. These days I love and respect myself and know that they need a voice. Police in particular are rarely accountable for the trauma they create.

I wanted to share some of my speech with you today that I read at the Last Kill The Bill 2 march and demonstration outside Bridewell Police Station in Bristol. I’m writing a book about my misspent youth (not all of it was bad and I have very beautiful memories and loving parents)and my journey into martial arts and how it helped me turn my life around. It’s called “The Last of the good guys”. My drama teacher smiling at the time called me that in my last ever lesson in secondary school in the 5th year. Anyway here’s that speech, it’s quite long so is abridged. After this, I’m hitting the gym to take it out on the bags and not the cops.

We’ve never got on – KTB Bridewell Anniversary speech.

“From my teens to my late 20s I was stopped and searched routinely by Hampshire Police. Before I broke any law, I was racially profiled. At one point being stopped and searched was nearly a daily occurrence. Nearly every day. Over 15 years on that still resonates.  Over 15 years on I still struggle to forgive myself for ruining my life all those years ago.  I used to have a drug problem. I used to be a drug dealer. In the end, I broke the cycle and healed my life. I changed myself. Not the police, state, or punitive punishment.

 Not disproportionate stop and search. Not incarceration. But me. Because I got tired of hurting those I cared about the most. I got tired of being angry and hurting and never healing. Of saying “I’m fine” when I was in pieces inside and no one understood, and everyone lectured me and the police judged me. They put me in a box that said, “wants to be bad” and for a while I did. In the end, I learned the hard way. So many of us do. I was never any good at breaking the law.

If I’ve taken away one thing from those years, it’s that even “bloody criminals” especially the black and brown boys have rights. We have journeys that we never wanted to make. We have labels the police give us that stay with us for life. When the police were in my life it was never ending and when they weren’t it felt like liberation…

Towards the end

“As the founding member of an independent grassroots police monitoring group, it’s fair to say that over the past few years of our existence, we have seen numerous cases of abuse of power. We have witnessed the machinery of the state in action! We understand the damage the criminal justice system and the police can do to people’s lives. I know the pain of being labeled a criminal. Someone who will never change. But you know something? I did change. And I changed for me and never the police!

Far too many of us are lost in the system without the help and support we need. Far too many of us lose faith that we will ever see justice and so many of us have lost all faith in the police themselves. The brutality of 2021 showed us the nature of revenge policing. It showed us that our communities are nothing more than a containment operation to a force that continues to militarise itself with ARV patrols, that risk scores and assesses us as numbers,  and fails to respond to community needs!

If the past few years have shown us one thing it’s that when we stand together we are a force to be reckoned with and with the outright damning Casey report on the Metropolitan Police it is clear that when all is said and done, all we really have is each other. This year, make sure you leave no one behind! Check in with that person being stopped and searched, and challenge police violence if you see it in action! Film the police, and help your community take action against misconduct. Bristol Copwatch is all of us. This year let’s show the police what time it is! Fight for your rights and as I always say, always stand up to your bullies!”

Thanks for hearing my strong voice. Remember to kill the bill. I’ll see you on that road. #amwriting

Never say never

Martial Arts, Muay Thai, Personal Development, Sports

Hi. It’s good to catch up once again after what feels like a long period of writing hiatus. I’ve been asking myself of late when it is exactly I’m going to pick this blog up again so it’s good to find the time amongst the “busy” of my life. To be honest, I think I’ve been missing writing a lot, and seeing as it’s a gift my dad gave me it’s good to connect with a natural bias once again.

Training has been good of late and although I haven’t been getting to the gym as much as I’d like at points I’m valuing my time there. It’s not always about volume but what you learn and take away however I’m still a firm believer that the more you put in, the more you will always get out.

I’ve found that being busy has a tendency to have a knock-on effect on one of my favourite ways to spend my time and from next week onwards I’m upping the ante with my fitness regime outside of Muay Thai training and getting back into my running. Like one of the fighters from my camp said to me earlier you need to be fit and you need to be fast. It’s hard training let alone sparring with a Sunday hangover but I did great today.

There’s a lot I want to improve and get better and it’s good to know that I have some real goals to focus on in the gym and outside of it too. Muay Thai is a great outlet for me and it always has been. If energy flows where attention goes then it’s good to know that with Muay Thai it’s absolutely flowing in the right direction.

This week and last week have seen that energy going into improving a couple of things and being honest, despite a left bruised shin from kicking the heavy bag little bits could potentially be getting better. Before I start putting myself down I accept the fact to progress and improve not only do I need to remain consistent with my training but that I need to start changing who I am as a fighter. Because I am a fighter. Did you know that? sometimes I don’t see myself as one.

Sometimes I doubt myself and give myself a hard time for getting things wrong, for not using what I know, and for falling into the same patterns and traps when sparring, for being too predictable, for chambering my kicks for forgetting that people I train with tell me they think I’m a good boxer. That I’m a good fighter. I know how to fight and once they even told me that my record doesn’t do me justice. It’s just that now I’ve got to a point where I accept that I can just train for training’s sake and still set goals. I still want to be better than who I am and prove myself wrong and just get better and better with time.

My head coach said to me a while ago “never say never” so I’ll remember that and if you see a glint in my eye and a trademark smirk on my face when I look at the ring you’ll know that the guy who won an area title way back in 2013 is still very much in the room. He just needs your help again to show him he’s more than he ever thought he could be. Have a good week, train hard, and just like the last time..I’ll see you on that road.