Hi. It’s nice to catch up again so soon after the last time we spoke. I hope all is well in your world, things are certainly improving in mine. Despite police attempts to wear me down in the vain hope, I drop my data protection breach claim against Avon and Somerset Police, I’m pleased to say all is well.
The lengths “rogue” police stoop to attempt to protect themselves is not only concerning it’s outright laughable. I guess it is what happens if you are not white and fight for your rights, in fact, it came as little to no surprise for me last week to discover the revelations that the police had waged vendettas against black people in the past. In fact, it’s safe to say that they still do and these are the people that are meant to protect us? You tell me.
However, the biggest revelation for me is yet to come when I receive my NCTPOC SAR on 27/5/22. Finding out what the problem is can be a daunting task but toughing it out and pressing forward is the best recourse, especially when legal remedies are available.
I’m comparing my current journey through community activism and police monitoring more frequently than not to my journey as a martial artist and Thai boxer. Both take a lot of strengthening, resilience, and courage to succeed at and ultimately win through. Mr never gives up still I am pleased to say never gives up in or out of the ring, especially when it comes to the subject of injustice.
The determination and resilience I’ve built as a fighter and martial artist over the years have only ever really built on what has been inside of me and I guess what I inherited from my amazing mother and father. Like with martial arts this current journey is a long one and I am confident this time around I’m going to win.
The growing confidence I have in myself is something I’ve developed not just through Muay Thai but through public speaking which is a new journey that I’m really really enjoying. It runs in the family as one of my dad’s sisters my auntie Blossom often spoke loudly and publically about the apartheid system my family and of course other South Africans vehemently resisted.
I can only imagine what living through those years was like. I’m immensely proud of my father and always will be. He’s where I get the majority of my bravery from and when it comes to being brave and staying in it I’m pleased to say I may if I work hard, improve and listen have another opportunity at fighting again this summer which is pretty exciting if it takes shape because I want to win. It was very casually mentioned to me last month and I put in the work and I’m improving so can only hope for the best. I’d like to see what I can do again.
Speaking of putting in the work and staying brave I better cut this one short as I’ve got a 4000-word assignment to finish for my Open University degree tomorrow. This is the year I get my bachelor’s degree. I’m on my last module. It’s looking like I’m going to pass which is, of course, amazing, however like Geoff Thompson says there is no landrover. When it’s done and I am at the graduation ceremony I’ll know I’ve won and in terms of the rest, have courage dear heart. It’ll work out just fine. Have a good week, train hard, and just like the last time.. I’ll see you on that road.
Morning all. It’s good as always to catch up once again, training this week has as always been good and although at points it’s tough I feel that I’m learning and like most things in life it’s not always an easy process. At the moment I keep incredibly busy with volunteering as well as focusing on my working life and as such I’m doing a lot of public speaking, workshops, and events for Bristol Copwatch.
I wrote a while back about taking legal action against Avon and Somerset Police for a 2018 DPA breach. I’m pleased to say the case and claim have taken shape and the police have until the 4th of June to admit liability. I am of course represented by the formidable Bindmans LLP actions against the police team.
The police of course have not taken things at all well. But when it comes to the general public taking a stand over misconduct and malpractice they very rarely do. I’m still pretty much convinced what has happened has been solely vindictive in its nature just like the original wrongful and malicious prosecution of 2018.
In terms of that, I’m pleased to say that the Criminal Cases Review Commission is assessing the case and conviction to see if it can be taken back to the court of appeal. I’ll know more in the next couple of months. It was also good news to see the Information Commissioners Office uphold my complaint against Avon and Somerset Police.
They said “We have considered the issues you have raised with us. Based on this information, it is our view that ASP has not complied with their data protection obligations.” The ICO will by now have written to the police about the breach and their information rights practices.
“We have told them they should now take steps to ensure that:
rectification requests are appropriately responded to within 1 calendar month; and
subject access requests are responded to within 1 calendar month;
We have also asked that ASP review your request to have your PNC record amended to reflect the findings of the court, and to provide you with a response to this.“
Of course, we know that my PNC information in its current state is inaccurate, unfair, and unlawful so it’s going to be very interesting to see what the police’s response is to both the letter of claim and ICO decision in a couple of months. I am of course still funding raising via CrowdJustice.
Police harassment
I’ve been on the sharp end of police harassment for some time due to my ongoing fight to clear my name, something Avon and Somerset Police have consistently denied but from my work, as a volunteer caseworker for Bristol Copwatch I see the same patterns of harassment emerging with other POC who take a stand against police wrongdoing.
Whenever people, in general, take a stand against the police or the state whether it be through community monitoring groups, public speaking, or just doing your bit by going on a march we will always get the police’s attention, but it seems that Avon and Somerset Police are particularly malicious and vindictive in their treatment of black and brown people more so when we decide to fight for our rights.
Yesterday Bristol Copwatch held a small event at the Malcolm X Community Centre in St Pauls with Co-POWeR a University research project that is investigating the impact of emergency power policing on black and brown communities during the lockdown. We also held a stop and search workshop.
Although the event was fairly quiet (we are still getting to know St Pauls and understand the long and volatile relationship the community has had with the police here so kind of expected it) we were generally surprised to see area police turn up to check out what it was exactly we were doing. The police not only walked directly into our space for the afternoon but decided to park up outside the venue keeping a watchful eye on the entrance until finally driving off.
The monitoring group I am a founding member of respects all views on policing but we maintain a healthy distance from direct relationships with the police as it erodes trust in the communities we support. I personally have supported POC who have been through hell and back due to racist cops. It’s really hard for me to want to have any kind of engagement with the police when they consistently treat us so very badly. I know others in our core organising team feel very much the same.
What’s interesting is that after our event we headed to an anti-repression talk not far from the community centre and were monitored through our journey by local area police. Why is it that in white communities in Bristol this sort of attention to any event just does not happen? do the police feel so utterly threatened by a community event in St Pauls happening that they have to attempt to harass the organisers and intimidate the public from even walking through the door?
We had no more than 8 people in the Malcolm X Community Centre yesterday afternoon and yet still the police put pressure on us. When I was in Oxford two weeks ago the workshop myself and a fellow Copwatcher presented was busy and also monitored by the police. We’ve noted in Oxford that the police are keen on shutting down community organising if they can.
From my point of view as an organization, they feel threatened by anything they cannot have control over. This is an autocratic and authoritarian policing strategy and we need to resist it. It’s clear that if grassroots organising happens in areas they deem to be a problem (black and brown communities) we by default become “a person of interest.”
When we headed to the event held by anti-repression groups such as Bristol Defendant Solidarity and ABC we were made to feel very welcome, but then we were made to feel very welcome by the lovely staff at the Malcolm X Community Centre too. Today I’m very angry that the police attempted to create the perception that Bristol Copwatch must of either a) been up to no good. or b) was working with the police yesterday afternoon.
Co-POWeR we know felt very much the same about attempted police engagement and understand how important trust relationships are with communities like St Pauls. I respect the fact that some feel to monitor the police effectively you must build relationships with them (I strongly disagree and feel that this affects a monitoring group’s ability to critically analyze them as an organisation )but I also feel that had the organisers of yesterday’s event at MX all been white we wouldn’t have received the extensive attention we did.
I have been on the sharp end of racist policing a lot of my adult life and know what it looks like in action. I’m hoping that in the next couple of months I see a few things start to be put right. In the meantime, of course, I’ll keep campaigning. Next month I’m on the Bristol Radical History Group’s speaker panel at “Set the people free” talking about mobile fingerprinting and PACE stop and search. Following that, I’m with fellow Copwatchers at the awesome Bristol Transformed festival hosting a workshop on dealing with the police.
I’m a firm believer in taking a stand when it comes to injustice. In the cold light of day, I see the police for what they are and I know that I’m doing the right thing. The last bit of training for the week is going to be a welcome stressbuster this afternoon. I still hope that you can see me. Just remember to stand up and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.
Hi. I hope you’re enjoying the Easter break and that all is well in your world. Despite planning to head to the gym this afternoon I’ve been defeated by my Saturday hangover which is a shame as I’ve spent literally every day this week bar today training. It has been good and although I still need to step my running game up again I feel that I’m benefiting from the extra push I’ve decided to give myself. More of the same is ahead next week onwards, and of course, I know if you don’t run then you don’t fight so I intend to step things up on that front too.
The past few months have been tough primarily due to navigating bereavement and it’s good to finally feel that I’m ready to start letting life head back to its normal pace. I think I’ve been doing that anyway but there are days when I just don’t want to do anything at all. My mum is pretty much in the same place as me and we talk every day and often video call in the evenings.
I think training has helped me get through what seems to have been the worst bits if that makes sense and volunteering has also helped keep me focused. I’m getting the volunteer and paid work balance right once again and I actually just finished opening letters that have been sitting in a small lonely pile for weeks and weeks and weeks.
Easter break as well as training has been awesome so far, and it’s been nice to get out into town over the weekend as well as have a good couple of nights of decent music and good company. You can’t beat dancing to chase the blues away.
Training wise I’ve got back to a good level of consistency I just want to try and get to open mat sessions a little earlier. And sort my time keeping out. I’ve also broken the bad habit of kicking with my foot instead of my shin. When you get put under a lot of pressure( I get to be put under a lot of pressure in sparring at points but I’m an experienced fighter it’s really to be expected.) )it’s also understandable to want to stay at a safe distance but kicking out of range isn’t really the way. I’m making myself stay close and stay in if I can.
This week I did some good stuff clinch wise and it’s an area of training I really feel I need to focus on. One of my first trainers called it an art within art and I’ve always found that to be true. I’m working on ways to shut down taller fighters so do my best to catch kicks and counter quickly, if there’s a lot of pressure from hands clinching is a good way to stop them, you just need to be brave enough to take the bull by the horns. Besides, when we’re that close we’ve got our elbows as well as knees.
Looking at Muay Thai from a self-defense perspective knees, elbows and clinch are half-decent tools to have in your arsenal, unless of course, you run into a knife in which case as Geoff Thompson once said pick up anything that isn’t nailed down and throw it at them then run. I’ve only ever been in a situation once in my 16 years plus of training where I had to defend myself and my training was there for me when I needed it the most.
I say once, going back a few years I was the victim of a racist attack. Three of them jumped me and one had to hit me with a bike lock to come anywhere close to hurting me. I was drunk at the time and had I been switched on and sober I don’t think firstly I would have ended up in the situation in the first place and secondly, I would have defended myself with vigor. I stayed on my feet, however. My friends the next day all came over to see me from Easton in Bristol and were generally amazing.
But that incident aside, I’ve found that bullies including racist ones got a lot warier of me when I started martial arts, not because I walk around with my chest puffed out but because it’s about how you carry yourself as a person. It’s about the aura you project. As I said towards the beginning of today’s blog I feel stronger in myself as I carry on the long path of healing from loss. I actually feel how I did when I started this martial journey of mine and there’s an inner toughness that’s growing inside of me again. I believe in putting others before myself. It’s a characteristic I’ve inherited from both my parents but in particular my beautiful father. I have a lot to thank him for and I know he was always proud of me and all my achievements.
I’m back at the gym tomorrow afternoon and Monday morning has got first run of the week written all over it. Enjoy the rest of the Easter break. I’ve had the best Easter Sunday of nothing ever and my hangover is now at the time of writing just about gone. Dancing and good times are fun but Muay Thai is importanter. Here’s to the week ahead and just like the last time.. I’ll see you on that road.
Afternoon all, it’s nice as always to catch up and I hope that all is well with you. Despite having last week off from training as I was away in far from sunny Spain (red sand rain, miserable weather but good company) it’s been nice to get back into the swing of things at the gym and of course, I intend to keep things heading in the right direction.
Training has been going really well, and I’m enjoying my time there. Although I was away last week I still managed to get some running time in and it’s the one area I feel that I need to be a little more consistent with here. The last training session of the week is looming and when I get back I’ll have to make sure I finish the week off with some quality stamina building.
The thing is, I’m just lazy about these things and forget a half-decent run is literally on my doorstep. I’m looking forward to it already. Training is however improving my fitness as well as my ability but that’s the way it should be. I train 5 times a week again these days but this month intend to step it up to 6 from time to time. It’s good to push a little harder sometimes just to see where it gets you.
As I’ve got older I’ve noticed injuries take a lot longer to heal, old fighting injuries creep back in from time to time but in general, I keep on trucking. I’ve decided that competing is something I’ll focus on for as long as I’m fit enough and competent enough to do so but I know there’s more to Muay Thai than just stepping in a ring.
Fairtex Bangplee
Right now I’m loving the confidence boost and general sharpness training regularly is giving me again. It’s just procrastination I still have to beat, which is one of the reasons it’s taken me so long to get around to writing my blog. Other areas of my life I want to improve I just put the same energy into as well, but you know something? Life isn’t always about self-improvement. Sometimes life is about just being comfortable in your own skin and being you.
Being emotionally intelligent is really the order of the day and I find that training helps me be less reactive and assess situations and people with a lot more clarity than before. It’s easier to manage my emotions these days than a month or so ago. I guess that’s part of the healing process I’m going through at present. Everything changes.
I feel a lot more confident about stepping back into the ring if the opportunity arises again than I did last year and as another fighter said to me it’s about picking up from where I left off. Not reinventing the wheel. I’d like to fight this year and of course, have told my trainers that too. We shall see. I still enjoy combat even if it is only sparring at present.
Speaking of gyms, sparring, and training the last session of the week is rapidly approaching. I’m maybe going to focus on bag work today as a preference but might have a little spar too. Have a good week, train hard, and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.
Evening all. As always it’s good to catch up, I very nearly decided to leave writing until tomorrow but seeing as procrastination and I am old friends (or is it enemies) I’ve decided as always that there’s no time like the present. Training as always has remained consistent and I’m back to training 5 times a week again which is only ever a good thing. Little by little I’m heading back to where I want to be when it comes to all things martial and hard work is starting to pay off. As I’ve always said the more you put in, then the more you get out.
Ha. That’s something someone once said in my old gym in Bournemouth and it’s always stuck because it’s true. The hardest part of training is sometimes just turning up but staying focused on what you want is sometimes an incentive in itself. There is never anything that can’t be improved but I realised on my lunchtime bag blast today that everything is perfect the way it is.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I should be kind of proud of myself for having trained for as long as I have and for having achieved as much as I have already done. There’s a fighter who is beginning to rise up again inside of me and he still wants to win. Never say never as the saying goes. I’m still young and there’s still some fuel in the tank. I don’t want a lot other than to maybe fight at a slightly higher level than I have before because I think I’d be pretty good at it with enough training and determination.
It’s nice to be back in the room and now that I’m back in the room I intend to stay here for a while. It has taken me a lot of focus and a lot of determination to tough it out throughout lockdown, personal tragedy, and life’s trials and tribulations but hey I’m still here and you know something? I’m winning. Ok so now that I’ve said that maybe I am a little proud of myself. They make us South Africans tough.
There is, of course, a lot I need to do better including not kicking with my currently bruised left foot but of late things have been good. In fact, things have been great, so much so that despite a week off next week seeing family in Spain I intend to step it up a gear when home and start training 6 times a week instead of 5. Just because I want to see what happens and I’m curious to know if I’ll get as sharp as I think I will. Goal setting has always been one of my favourite things.
But that’s just me. As soon as I have something to focus on I have two modes, one is on and the other is off. These days I’m getting used to flicking the ‘on’ switch again when I need to and it’s beginning to pay off. Slowly. Little by little. Consistency and perseverance are kings when it comes to improvements in the gym. No one said this would be easy but I don’t like easy. I just walk through tough like it isn’t a thing because being out of my comfort zone has always been the best place to learn and you know what? over 16 years on I still wouldn’t have it any other way. Here’s to the rest of the week and training hard, and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.
Hi. It’s nice to catch up with you once again and I’m really pleased to be writing regularly and often a couple of times within the space of the week. One of my biggest fears about writing this blog is that it can be either too much or too little. Right now it feels like I’m in the writer’s Goldilocks zone so here we are again. You and me.
I’ve just come back from a well-deserved stress-busting run and I’m pleased to say training is just around the corner. Of course, I do have a day job it’s just that I’m a lot busier when I’m freelancing as well as running my business. Although, maybe I need to give my business a little more time than I do currently.
Last year ended in a family tragedy and although there’s no time limit on dealing with grief I’m pleased to say every day I get a little stronger. As my mum said to me just yesterday “It comes over me in waves.” Although both of us are in different countries we speak at least twice a day. Mum is where I get my strength from and of course from my beautiful dad too.
You see trauma can be a crippling thing. I’ve been unfortunate enough to go through a lot of it in my life. From police harassment and a journey through the Criminal Justice system to toxic relationships, it has taken many shapes.
These days I’ve learned to carry other people’s trauma and find that by helping them navigate their own journey through the damage the police create I heal some of my own. I’m not ashamed to say I have a therapist who is helping me forgive, love and respect my younger self. That guy who made all those mistakes. That kid the police never left alone. The one who misses his dad more than you will ever know.
in 2020 we saw an upsurge in resistance to police misconduct and brutality across the globe following the horrific murder of George Floyd by police officer Derek Chauvin. Misconduct and brutality that had existed for years within the police in the UK was once again headline news but with every event, every story of those we have lost at the hands of the police came a barrage of emotions.
Those new to the push for our civil rights learned to respect and stand with the families and individuals on the sharp end of abuse and brutality, I learned to navigate what the police have done to me over the years by helping others take action. When I first spoke to both my mum and dad about my stop and search years, I found myself in tears after they told me that the police used to stop me almost every day. Once a criminal always a criminal was burned so deeply into my psyche for a while I actually believed it was all I could be.
My healing, in the end, started with martial arts and ended with Muay Thai. Over 16 years on I’m still here training just as hard as I always have. It’s good to be back in the room. I’m here for life. Through( in my humble opinion) one of the tougher fighting systems out there, I found myself again. My shadow fell away and I realised all the misconceptions of me and the lies that I felt had been said about me didn’t matter anymore. The only person I had to prove wrong was myself. The only person I was really fighting was myself. Some things are just as relevant now as they were back then.
We’re only 2 months into the new year and already I feel confident that it’s going to be a good one. There is so much I want to do and have in my life I just need to remember to give myself time. One day at a time will become one month at a time and the waves will become less frequent and more beautiful. If you didn’t know already I’m fundraising to hold the police to account for a breach of data protection. Navigating the most recent trauma from local police harassment gets easier day by day. In the end, everything changes. Have a great week, train hard, and just like the last time… I’ll see you on that road.
Hi. It’s nice to catch up with you this Friday at lunchtime. Well, at least it’s lunchtime here anyway. I’ve been writing this blog since 2014 so it’s become a labour of love and a little glimpse into what makes me tick. Thanks for all the support over the years. It’s great to see in 2022 it still has a healthy following.
I spoke to Geoff Thompson way back in 2010 about writing and my idea for writing a book about my life. I also talked to Geoff about some of my life experiences and why I was fighting. At the time I had only just started on my journey and losing fight after fight although disappointing wasn’t demoralizing.
I realized from an early stage I loved the sport and figured that if I was good enough to get in the ring and fight to the bitter end I was almost certainly good enough to start winning. He told me a Vale Tudo champion he knew spent 2 years losing fights and in the end became a fighter everyone avoided. Now that was inspirational. And just for a moment, I could see it. So I stayed in it and in the end, just as I was told it would things took a turn for the better and I started winning.
A WRSA judge Annie Humphrey once told me after yet another loss that I needed to fight more regularly. I remember how happy she was when I won my first fight. It wasn’t the most technically superior of battles but back then nothing I did was. I wanted to win that much I eventually made it happen. That was fight number 8. Soon after that, I won a WRSA amateur area title and many people said I was a different fighter that day.
I also ended up winning an English K1 title for a fly-by-night federation that emerged and has since appeared to have disappeared into the halls of martial history. As the fights got harder I gradually improved and despite losing my WRSA title (my old trainer was kind enough to let me keep the original belt, in fact, I still have both my belts ) I was determined to keep fighting.
When you know what loss is you love what winning is and although fighting is much bigger than wins and losses it’s something you want to get back to. Comments from well-respected trainers such as “your record doesn’t do you justice” meant a lot to me. I forget what my reasons were for taking a few years out from competing, I think a girlfriend came along for a while, and I just generally lost interest in committing all of my time to getting my groove back.
In 2018 I stepped back in the ring again after taking 3 years out, I was fighting semi-professional or B class Muay Thai as it’s called in the UK, and lost on points but went the distance. It was only in round 5 that I came to life but according to my current trainer Dave Wilmott and my corner that day I listened. It was the 2 fights following that in 2018 and 2019 I didn’t and paid the price. Since then I feel that I’ve learned a reasonable amount and my focus is improving as well as my technique.
I’m now up to the grand total of 19 fights and know that if at the tender age of 43 I want to compete again I need to commit myself completely to my training. Before and leading up to Christmas I was drinking a lot more than usual because of the tragic loss of my father. I’m still coming to terms with his death and at the time of writing, I’m on the back of what can best be described as a wave of grief. It’s lasted a good 3 days and now just in time for the weekend, the wave is breaking on the shore.
I keep busy and keep active and I firmly believe that training and exercise are going to play a big part in my healing. Another reason I have stayed away from alcohol is that it’s a depressant. Problems are amplified. I want to be focused and strong although I know that at present I’m vulnerable. This year I want to succeed in my art and for the rest of my life.
Despite everything that happened in 2021 there were so many positives. My career as a project manager grew legs again, my volunteer work and the public speaking journey took on a life of its own and my parents were inevitably proud of everything. Most importantly, I got to spend time with my dad.
At the moment, I want to get my Muay Thai up to a good standard once again, and this year I want to see if I can get good enough to compete. I’d love to fight under full Thai rules, I think that I could but there is so much more to get right before that point. I’m happy where I am right now and I’m happy to take things one step at a time. I train out of a good camp and have outstanding trainers who are kind and understanding. Thanks once again to my gym for being so amazingly supportive to me during the most difficult time in my life. Every single day, I’m learning that inside of me there is an invincible summer. I’ll see you on that road.
Hi. It´s nice to catch up once again. Yesterday I got myself out to Spain to see my amazing mum for the Christmas break and of course, depending on restrictions on travel I plan to be home in Bristol for New Years Eve. This however is and always will be my second home in the sun and its nice to remember that of the many things my dad did with his life he also always did for me.
It´s been less than three weeks since he left us and like mum I´m taking it one day at a time. Some days things are good some days I feel like a black cloud is following me. Like an omnipresent weight is bearing down on my shoulders that is loss , acceptance and grief taking shape. Thursday this week was one of those days and I decided to train.
I walked in the gym instantly feel like I didn´t want to be there. Planning to only stay for an hour resulted in me staying to the end and releasing negative energy and channelling it through a positive outlet into something that might be a little rusty right now but is ultimately good, made me feel infinitely better.
After training as I cycled home it felt like something said to me ´come see me again soon.” I haven´t heard or felt that in my inner in a long time. In fact the last time was when me and Muay Thai first met way back in 2007. Since that point my art has been a constant in my life and always there.
I´ve forgotten the power it has to pick me up from the ground. It´s taught me how to fight in the ring and helped me defend myself on the street on a couple of occasions. But then again, I have always been strong and a survivor. Some say I´m a natural fighter. They make us South Africans tough. My fighting spirit stems from my roots.
Another thing I´m grateful for at present is the strength and presence I have when it comes to navigating the trauma caused by the loss of my beautiful father (Bayete Nkosi). Mental toughness and emotional intelligence have been the order of the day. These are traits I have been given by both my parents and have developed through my art.
My mother is an incredibly strong woman and just as beautiful as my dad. They have both taught me to walk tall and fight for what I believe in. They have always both been incredibly proud of me for everything I have achieved in my journey through martial arts.
As I approach my 16th year of training in this long and rewarding road that is Muay Thai I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for every little thing. You are my second family. Despite my world seeming bleak at points spending time investing in myself training with you then and training with you now has always brought out the best in me. Here´s to many more years. I´ll see you on that road.
My dad passed away of lung cancer on the 02/12/21 at 4.30pm. He was at home and with my mum and was asleep and just never woke up. I had a call at 7.30am that morning asking me to come that day or the next day at the very latest. I could only get a flight on the Friday.
Before he left I had a video call with mum. She showed me his face and asked if I could see the difference. “Yes.” I said calmly. I decided to go running around lunch time that day. I checked in with mum and she said he was sleeping peacefully but his breathing was slowing down. Vs the pain he was in first thing in the morning before nurses gave him some medicine I was relieved in a way but knew what was coming. I was ready.
On my run all I could see was dad´s face. The sun was shining the sky was blue and I was grinning. All I could see was my dad. All I could hear was the sound of my feet on the road. Road work is sometimes the best work. It is therapy in motion. It releases energy and brings in something better.
I got home from my run and ran a bath- Work had been up and down all day so didn´t care stage had been accomplished. Emails could wait. Bids could wait. In my bath a small voice said gently “your dad´s gone.” I got out the bath 10 minutes later thinking how awful it would be if I missed a call whilst in the bath about dad passing. I ignored myself saying calmly “I´m ready” as I dried myself off.
Dressed and relaxed I checked my phone. Oh a missed a call. I phoned mum. She told me dad had left us. I video called her back as an alternative to voice and told her how much I love her and dad and how one day I´ll have kids of my own and how…. hanging up the phone after the call I broke down. It had been happening off and on all day.
It felt like parts of me were falling away. The gut twisting anger of the day before, the grief like waves breaking on the shore seemed to be observed by me. I felt outside of myself. This is what shock is. I thought. My plans to train that evening were cancelled but I did spend time with good friends.
I had calls off of cousins and uncles and aunts over the following days. Thursday feels like two decades ago. My gym were and still are just as concerned caring and loving as everyone else in my life. We are a family. Just like me mum and dad always will be. We are forever.
The death of my father at the time of writing is something I am still coming to terms with. We say goodbye to dad tomorrow and next year me and my mum are travelling to South Africa to scatter his ashes. This may seem too personal but right now I feel raw. Next Wednesday I turn 43 which from what I´ve been told is young ,so when it comes to many things in my life I intend to just carry on as normal. This includes Muay Thai. I need to give it a lot more of my time. The silence and flow is where the healing starts.
When it comes to community activism, police monitoring and anti racist campaigning the beat goes on. However, that particular torch is going to get picked up again in the new year. For now I need time to heal and need to support my amazing mum. All of these things would make my father proud.
I´m back home in Bristol for my 43rd birthday next week then I´m planning to spend Christmas and new years with my mum shortly after. Time as they say is the best healer but you know what, so is Muay Thai. Rest in eternal power Owen Pegram. Thank you not just for being a lion of South Africa but for being an amazing dad. Even on my best day I wish I could be half the man you were. I´ll see you on that road.
The Little Fighter With A Big Heart 