Sometimes I don’t want to get up.

Hi. I’ve decided to sit down and get this blog of mine up to speed as just for once, I’m on lunch. Lunch for me is usually working through with coffee as my only fuel. I’ve come to realise of late I need time to rest and heal. A moment ago, I tweeted

For the rest of this month all of July,and to a lesser extent some of August I shall mostly be reconnecting with myself and my spirit. Which is of course fearsome, indomitable, and absolutely unbreakable. I shall then be truly back in the game.Copwatch is there if you need them.

All of this is true and all of this is so very me, but there I am focusing on the end result with no attention given to what happens between then and now. Like I just said, all of this is so very me. One of the most refreshing things I’ve had said of late was said less than 2 hours ago. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you. You just need to join the parts up.’

Focusing heavily on community activism rather than on other areas of my life has become a coping mechanism of late. As the saying goes “you can’t help me if you can’t help yourself” so with a couple of gentle nudges from friends old and new I’ve decided to attempt to switch off. Not just because it’s what I need but because it’s what I want to do. And there’s so much I want to do right now. The summer has Europe written all over it, and I’m pleased to say it’s starting next month with Spain. I’ve not seen my parents for nearly 2 years so I can’t wait.

And trust me, just like Obi Wan once said I’ll come back more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Well, refreshed and relaxed at the very least. Last weekend saw me head home to Portsmouth for the weekend and it was good to spend time with friends I’ve not seen in over 5 years. I’ve already made a note to head back down South over the summer. It kind of looks like one massive weekend at Bernie’s combined with self healing.

I’m pleased to note that Muay Thai plays a massive part of the journey ahead. It gives me focus and it’s something I love doing. Things are actually better than they were last time we spoke and in fact they’ve been getting better for a while. I’m stronger and I’m walking taller. The fighter is a natural part of me but sometimes, I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to but I always do.

My self proclaimed Wolverine like healing factor kicks in and I just carry on as normal. People tell me I’m physically and mentally very tough, I guess I am and I don’t think that will ever change but I also need to remember that there’s a young man who needs to sit down with me and fix what’s wrong. He’s angry but he’s hurting. He won’t ever stop fighting just like in the ring but he needs time to heal, and to make friends with the new me that’s coming.

And whilst we’re on that particular subject, they say we become new and better versions of ourselves when the old ones stop working. I realized this morning I have coping mechanisms so taking a bold leap of faith and on good advice I decided to put those mechanisms down. Just for a little bit. Sometimes I don’t want to get up but this time, just like the time before I am and I will. If you look close enough you’ll see the fire in my eyes.

All the causes and commitments I believe in and work towards are still going to be just as important. I’m still intending to help people in my community fight back against abuses of power and against injustice. None of that will change, I just need to focus on me for a little while. Training is something I can put my heart and soul into, and now that I’ve found the time maybe I can start focusing on some solid goals in the gym. I’d love to fight again this year, but as Dave Wilmott said to me I need to be a new John. Being that guy sounds exciting and full of potential so maybe I can do that?

It probably seems reading some of the above that I’m currently trapped in a glass case of emotion. Honestly, I’m doing good. Moments of clarity take many shapes and I often need to write them down. This blog is for me not just you. I think sometimes I forget that too. It’s 1.30 on a Tuesday afternoon and I’m not drinking coffee I’m eating a nice lunch. Every day isn’t just a school day it’s a step in the right direction. After all when your taking steps in the right direction, all you have to do is keep walking. Here’s to training later and in the meantime, have a good week, train hard and just like the last time.. I’ll see you on that road.

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