Well, I’ve finally found the time to get this blog of mine back on track. I know we caught up earlier in the week but I thought I’d take the time to sit down and write this evening too. It’s a different kind of therapy that other than Thai and training in general I really enjoy doing.
The past couple of months at points have felt like an uphill struggle but life has a way of putting you through your paces when you don’t feel like you can cope. In a way it’s a little like fight training or competing. Always a challenge and something you should never ever give up with.
I’m pleased to say that I very rarely do. I’m a natural fighter inside, and I’m tough. An old friend of mine once called me a survivor. Even when things get harder than I’d like them to be I always seem to land on my feet and I’ve found I pick myself up just as quickly as I’ve fallen down. You see, the thing about writing this blog is that it’s always come from my heart.
It’s always been a part of me expressing myself in written form. Does it give you an insight into who I am? does it tell you my inner most workings and what makes me tick? it gives you an idea and maybe some insight,but it’s like gleaning information from a Facebook post. It’s superficial at the very best. Facebook in particular can be a pet peeve of mine. A series of likes, shares and the occasional rant does not define a person. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it does.
You need to spend time in my company to get to know me just like I do with you. I feel I should say this because at the moment I’m very determined to get back to a place I want to be. That’s with a few things in my life. My inner critic often tells me that there’s other critics wanting to lay the boot in when I feel lower than low. Wondering what everyone’s thinking should never hold me back because when it does I don’t get anything done.
Today I realized that I’ve really let myself down with my degree I have been studying since 2009 with the Open University. I need to retake a module for the 3rd time and haven’t been coping with the workload. I’m doing what I feel is best because I want to succeed but what I want is no longer right in front of me it’s ever so slightly out of reach.
This and a couple of other things has reminded me that the last time I felt like this was when I was trying to get to my first win and had been on loss after loss. I worry sometimes when I write like this that some people think I’m trying to come across like I’m more than who I am. But this is me, and this is it. And my individual journey is not meant to be a comparison to anyone else or any other fighter out there.
I’ve convinced myself sometimes whilst on that streak, that some people don’t want me to succeed whilst the whole time failing to realize that the biggest enemy along that one particular road was only ever myself. Maybe I’ve never really had that much self confidence. Maybe I have too much self doubt. Either way, I’ve always been a survivor. I’ll never refuse to stand up.
Thai has made me tougher inside than I used to be, but I’ve always been tough. I said that a minute ago and every time I write it, it’s an affirmation to myself. It’s a statement of intent to keep going, to not give up. “I’ve always been tough.” I wonder if to you it seems like an explosion of ego. It’s just these days when I look in the mirror I can see it in my eyes.
When I fail at something I get angry with myself and I forget that there’s no such thing as losing in or out the ring. You only ever learn. When I lost fight after fight I’d always ask myself what can I do better next time? but that’s me. Reflective to the core. I kept doing that and hitting the same hurdle. I even bought a big book on sports NLP to try and change my mindset about fighting.
Little old me, just an amateur nobody no one gave a fuck about anyway. But seriously, it meant that much to me. If I could get in there and fight then I could get in there and win. Until, when it finally tipped I realized that all it ever needed from day one was the drive to succeed. I found myself wanting to achieve and not only get in there and give it my all, but get in there and win. To not just go to fight, but to go to win. “I’m not going to fight, I’m going to win.” .. “I’m going to win.” Did you see what I did there?
I can apply the same mentality to every aspect of my life. I’ve taught myself not to hold back in a ring, and I’ve learnt not to hold back with what I want in general. There is no such thing as failure. You only ever learn. Even when you do the same thing twice. And when it comes to fighting, if you love doing that, well you can never really lose. 😉 Besides, I love the combat. We all need at least one Rocky Balboa moment in life. This is mine and I’ll remember it forever.
I need to start applying the focus and drive I have with training when I’m on a roll to areas of my of life where things aren’t so hot. I need to and I’m going to get my mojo back not just when it comes to boxing but when it comes to everything. I feel out of sync and lacking equilibrium some days when really I’m doing fine. I take a lot on my shoulders and I never say because I’m an island. I have always been and I always will be. Adversity makes me strong. I do my best to keep my ego in check and sometimes I feel small inside when really I’m walking tall. I stamp on the critic and let writing become my therapy.
Next week, sees me back at the gym as usual. This week training hasn’t been too bad, but I still need more Thai in my life. I have a lot of goals to set and I need to pick up that writing project I put down. I need to stop telling myself I will when sometimes I don’t. Bullshit runs a marathon. I’m not in New Jack city and I don’t want Wesley Snipes to throw me off a bridge so it’s time to get my mojo back. Not just for next week but for now and forever. And besides, I don’t think it’s really that bad. Have a fantastic week, train hard and just like the last time.. I’ll see you on that road.